So tired

SO TIRED

Its been s couple nights since I have had some good sleep. I am still taking  my meds but when you have a negative person constantly making you feel like your going nuts its not easy. I live with my mom for now and her ex boyfriend is here also. Hes a piece of trash. He is one of those people who will look at you and give you a compliment and at same time he is letting you know he dont like you and your useless. I swear he has been talking under his breath around me. At first I thought it was the voices in my head coming back. While I was cleaning up kitchen last night all he did was complain about me being useless and lazy. Then he sat there and told me if it wasnt for him I would still be homeless. Telling me he takled mom into letting me come back home. Not 5 minutes later he is saying how difficult its been for him to be nice to me. WTF. I started packing a bag last night to hit the road again. between him and the voices picking on me I just want to be away from them.  I spent most of my year last year on the road running because I thought people were trying to kill me. It was a hard year not talking to my mom or my brothers much. Im glad I made it but some people just make it hard.

Ok I am done ranting right now. Time to sit down with my sketch pad and calm my mind. Have a blessed day everyone.

Heather Cole
3/5/2018

Wanting Silence

Wanting Silence

Silence...even just for a few moments.

Silence...from all their arguments.

All crammed into my head at one time.

Slowly making me lose my mind.

One by one over time they come about.

Claiming to be helping me out.

Every time I could not cope.

They would give me a false sense of hope.

Hiding me away deep inside.

So they could deal with the outside.

So please a little silence while I they sleep.

Silence so I can take a peek.

Just to see if its safe for me.

Or if I should just let them help me.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/4/17

Other Ways To Cope

OTHER WAYS TO COPE

I love writing but also enjoy other forms of art. Each form helps in its own way.

All of these are made of barbed wire. Very relaxing but also hurts lol. What you all think?

Who I am

Who I Am

At times I have thought

Man I have done a lot

Hitchhiking all over the states

Hoping to find my place

Seeing all the sites around me

Feeling what it was like to be free

Meeting so many people along the way

I still talk to some of them today

At times I would be amazed at what I was seeing

Knowing only God could create something this amazing

Fields upon fields of sunflowers were a sight

On the beach listening to the sea talk to me late one night

Camping in an open field under millions of stars

Even on a deserted highway not hearing any cars

All these and so many more in my memories

Have made me who I come to be

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2/12/18

Curiosity

Curiosity

I am always making lists for everything. Things I need to do for the day, things I need from store, mental notes that change constantly, and for whatever reason I can come up with for a list. So here is another list. Kind of sad list but was on a bad day as usual.


What my last words might be...

1. I had a blast all !
2. Its been nice.
3. Time to go.
4. Wonder if I am going to Heaven?
5. Wish I could have kept love.
6. Sorry if I was not there for you.
7. So much left I wanted to do.
8. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you.
9. This is not what I expected in the end.
10. I wish I had not felt rejected.
11. Bad memories are almost gone finally.
12. The voices can no longer hurt me.
13. I was scared and saw no other choice.
14. No one could hear my inner voice.
15. This life is finally over.
16. I never figured life out.
17. Don't cry please.
18. My mind has finally stopped hurting me.
19. I will always miss my family.
20. I just got tired of being tough.
21. I knew this would happen one day.
22. I'm sorry I hope you will understand one day.
23. This hurts to much wish I had done something else.
24. One more shot bartender please.
25. One..two..three..JUMP
26. Peace at last !
27. Man that was fun wasn't it?
28. Hold my hand.
29. I don't want to die this way.
30. I should have said more.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/1/2018

Can't

Can't

Feeling alone

Cant rest I must roam

Searching for something that's not there

Talking to voices that don't care

Feeling myself slowly slipping away

More of me dying each day

Alone face soaked in tears

No one noticed I disappeared

Living in fear

I cant stay here

Written By: Heather Cole

                    10/17

In A Dream

In A Dream

Once in a dream

I saw a girl by a stream

She looked so sad to me

And her face I could not see

Picturing her tear soaked face

Wanting to give her a big embrace

Moving in closer for a better look

She was writing in a book

As I moved closer she looked sadly at me

That's when I saw she was really me

Written By: Heather Cole

                    1/7/18

Can Anyone Hear Me?

Can Anyone Hear Me?

Can anyone hear me?

Please someone listen.

I feel no one hears me at all.

Trying to tell them I am about to fall.

It cant only bet the voices in my head.

They hear me say I want to be dead. 

They are creeping up in my mind again.

Don't let them hurt me my friend.

I cant be like you or anyone else.

Trying so hard to not be myself.

I've had it, I just don't care.

Do you hear me out there?

The voices are trying to hurt me.

Don't you hear my pleas?

I wish you could hear the words that they say.

Then maybe you would understand why I am this way.

I don't want to hurt myself. Stop them please.

I don't want to die make them stop! Please!

Can you hear me?

Help me please!

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2/27/18

Sleepy

Sleepy

So sleepy I can barely see.

Just want to get comfy.

Pull back the blanket and the sheet.

Fluff my pillows nice and neat.

Get snuggled in and warm my feet.

Eyes getting heavier its time I sleep.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2/23/18

Having a pretty good day. Not feeling so sad or lonely. Nice to right something kinda cute and funny. Have a good night everyone. 

Hair Today

Hair Today

Two hair ties ready to use

Deciding on which hair-do

Leave it down flowing all over the place

Or up in a bun showing my face

Maybe a pony tail will do the trick

Man my hair is getting thick

Let me see

Two pig tails it will be

See nothing wrong with me today

I'm having a good hair day

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2/2018

Goodbye 2017

Goodbye 2017

Goodbye 2017 you were the year of tears

Showing me so much fear

The ups and downs were not easy

Hearing voices in my head tease me

The awesome boyfriend seemed a good fit

Instead his crazy ideas put me through quite a bit

Everything is etched in my memory

The voices, being lost, the lies and jealousy

Doing things I would not normally do

Just barely making it through

The paranoia pounded in my head

Convincing me someone wanted me dead

So much chaos made my mind unclear

Making the voices easier to hear

For a moment everything seemed within reach

Then all the sudden homeless on a beach

Having to go through so much

I began to lose touch

The loss I felt in September

Is something I will always remember

To scared to call home

I spent the year feeling lost and alone

So goodbye 2017 you are in the past

Time to stop the voices and rest at last

Written By: Heather Cole

                    12/31/17

Praying

Praying

Thinking one day

When was the last time I prayed

I forgot when

So I decided to pray right then

God, I hope your listening to what I say

Please help me each day

Free me from these voices in my mind

They have been so unkind

Take away all this pain I feel

Please God help me heal

As I finished I could feel the release

My mind was calm, body more at ease

Thank you God its nice to speak again

I've always known you are my friend

AMEN

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/5/2017

How Many?

How Many?

I'm so tired of hearing her whine and complain

Such a bore and pretty lame

Hiding her is so much fun for me

You will see

She is always wearing a frown

Always writing her sadness down

Hiding her is a chance to come out and play

To smile my day away

I keep things going smoothly

Making sure all of us are happy

I keep us calmed down

Making sure we stick around

What about me?

I'm stronger you can see

The others have nothing on me

Hear that? 

Here's our chance

Come sing with me

Sing some Me and Bobby McGee

Written By: Heather Cole

                     2/21/18

Walking Thoughts

Walking Thoughts

Music up all the way

Mind begins to slip away

Feet moving to the beat

Moving me on down the street

Seeing cars as they pass

Look there are pieces from a crash

Saw something dead about a mile back

Looks like someone tried to put it in a sack

Trash on the ground everywhere

More people should care

Music playing loud still for me

As I watch cars go by me

Heather Cole

2/19/18

The Day We Met

The Day We Met

Look in the mirror and what do I see

A new face staring back at me

It wasn't always like this

I'm happy to see it, it was missed

The face was found just in time I must say

When my life was in disarray

The moment it happened, I an tell you the exact day

February 21 on a cold wet day

I was nervous and began to pop my knuckles

Glad I was sitting I'm sure my legs would have buckled

He looked so calm and at ease that day

I didn't know what to say

At that moment it all began

To think I almost ran

Written By:  Heather Cole

                     April 25, 2017

Things To Think About Daily In 2018

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT DAILY IN 2018

I wrote this the beginning of the year and today was first time I looked at it again. I really need to listen to myself sometimes.

1. Words hurt
2. Hiding things even with good intentions hurts
3. Actions speak volumes
4. Cant please everyone
5. Keep goals updated
6. The past is gone
7. Pray and be thankful
8. Stay positive
9. Stay focused
10. Keep looking forward
11. My family
12. My art work
13. The voices in my head are not real
14. Think before listen to the voices
15. Think before I speak to the voices
16. Remind myself that I am OK
17. Write more often
18. Get my first book published
19. I am not who I used to be
20. I create my own destiny
21. Reread my writing
22. Update my blog every day
23. Take my medications
24. Talk to someone if I need to
25. Start an art therapy group

What you think? Some of these seem like I should remember them like most people would but I don't.

Written By: Heather Cole
                    1/2018

To See The Sea

To See The Sea

Follow me into the unknown.

I'm really tired of being here alone.

I don't have much to call my own.

So please walk with me as I roam.

Sometimes I feel someone is near.

As if they were standing next to me here.

I look over to an empty space next to me in dismay.

While I'm walking my own path along the way.

Feeling close and yet so far away from me.

Like passing ships on the foggy sea.

So close but still to far to see.

Why are you not beside me?

Almost time for me to roam.

Looking for some place to call home.

Will you be waiting there for me to see?

Or will I be left alone by the sea.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    Jan. 15, 2018

Things I Miss

THINGS I MISS

Hello everyone

So while I have been sick with this flu and have hurt my back sneezing and coughing. I have had time to think about things I have been missing. So as I always do I made a list.

1. Safety
2. Family
3. My mind
4. A car
5. A friend nearby
6. Feeling free
7. Love
8. Home
9. A job
10. Being wanted
11. Feeling needed
12. A touch
13. A voice
14. My children
15. My childhood
16. Smiling 
17. Laughing
18. A first kiss
19. Silence in my head
20. The ocean

Im sure I will ad more to this list someday but for now it is what it is. Now maybe I can get some rest tonight we will see.

Heather Cole

Multiple Voices

Multiple Voices

Around and around I go.

My mind it never slows.

Always thinking at a fast pace.

Always moving as if in a race.

Keeping busy helps ease my mind.

Keeps me from listening to voices that are so unkind.

They started again the other day.

I'm trying hard not to listen to them today.

Telling me I'm all alone.

No one wants me at home.

Run away now or else we will come out.

Then they will see what your all about.

Your broken and used.

You have been abused.

No one would want to be around you.

The sad, sick and twisted you.

Your broken and have no spine.

You have been told over and over through time.

The abuse makes you feel alive.

It seems it's the only way you seem to thrive.

You see it don't you now?

You have come to love the abuse any how.

Loved it so much it was the only way.

Blind folded with nothing to say.

Quit looking at me! Why do you stare?

I know there is something wrong up there.

I know I'm unworthy of even a glance.

Not worth the time not even for one chance.

You would only be wasting your time.

I'm sure you wouldn't like my kind.

I've been broken to pieces and cant be fixed.

So go on find another better than this.

I go to bed and often cry myself to sleep.

Piled up in a big heap.

I've accepted my life and want to be left alone.

I don't deserve anyone to call my own.

As I write these words out of my head.

I really wish sometimes I was dead.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    Jan. 7, 2018

This might change at some point. I like it but its not right yet.

Sadness

Sadness

Sadness has come to play.

It's hard to get it to go away.

So easy to just sit and cry all day.

So much sadness is here to stay.

I've tried so hard to make it stop.

It just won't go away no matter what.

I tried drinking until I could not see.

Doing drugs to block it from my memory.

Drinking worked for a little while.

Often giving me a fake smile.

Drugs worked better than the drink.

Even changed the way I think.

When drugs stopped working so well.

The voices inside began to yell.

Telling me to run away GO!

Just run away and don't tell a soul.

So I jump at a chance to be free.

A rare chance to not be be.

Written By: Heather Cole

                   6/28/2017

Home

Home

It has been almost a year

Been on the road running in fear.

So much has happened in this time.

Hoping and praying that soon I will be fine.

Thinking my family would be better off without me.

Only wanting the voices to let me be.

Lost with only the voices in my head.

Really just wishing I was dead.

With so many in my mind at one time.

Hearing them say things so unkind.

Finally home and in my own bed.

Wish it would stop the voices in my head.

Written By: Heather Cole

Voices Interupting

Voices Interrupting

Sitting and listening to them all

Just want to smash my head into a wall

Unsure of which one is right

They are always trying to fight

I wonder off into the unknown

Later realizing I am not at home

The voices are still in my head

Making me wish I was dead

Why cant they just go away

I pray for their silence everyday

Still they keep telling me to end my worthless life

To go ahead and grab the knife

As I look down at my feet in tears

I see a cliff that is near

Why didn't I think of this before

You guys wont bother me anymore

I leap off and finally feel free

No more voices taunting me

Heather Cole

Feb 2018

My Unmedicated Mind

My Unmedicated Mind

Heather is not here today.

I am here to help her get away.

Her past is pushing up in her mind.

I hid her somewhere she could not find.

She was doing good again in denial.

But once again she heard the voices after while.

I told her to stop writing them for all to see.

That is how you came to meet me.

Now she feels like running away.

And I am here to make her stay.

All the years we have helped her cope.

Giving her a sense of hope.

Im fighting with her to rest a bit.

I fear she is not ready and she may split.

I know you were only trying to help her dear.

Be ready when she wakes in fear.

You may see a strong woman there.

I see shes week and needs me here.

Maybe you are abl to help her heal now.

FINE! I will let her come out and talk for now.

Written By: Heather Cole