HIGH then LOW

HIGH...

A.M. 

Was out for little hike with little brother and feeling good. Was hurting and tired but felt good to talk and get some fresh air.

NOON

Headed back home and took some photos of different fungus and mushrooms. Then home again. Little later it was not so good.

Had a fire going and was so angry I wanted to throw myself on it. Everything was making me mad. I was pacing and crying. Hurting and tired too.

Why can't I be like everyone else in my family?

Going to bed now I hope to sleep.

Heather Cole

REALIZING

Realizing

Sitting one a bench with no place to go.

Just walked eight miles to make some dough.

The old man left with the rent.

Leaving me feeling spent.

Wondering what my life is for.

Feeling like a broke down whore.

The time spent chasing a dream for two.

Was wasted time I spent on you.

If I were lucky tomorrow would not start.

Then I wouldn't feel this broken heart.

So you had your thrills.

Leaving me to handle the bills.

Can you hear me yell ?

Telling you to go to hell.

Lost, alone and ready to breakdown.

The voices are ready to help me leave town.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/08/2017

So glad I made it through all that then. I almost didn't. I still struggle with it almost everyday but getting better. 

ENJOYING NEW CAMERA !

Enjoying New Camera

Enjoying my new camera. Photography is another way I manage my thinking. Have been having hard time the last couple weeks with not sleeping, anxiety and voices also. Most of these were taken around my rock garden at home.  Hope everyone enjoys these.

Have a great day everyone !

Photography By: Heather Cole

                             3/24/2018

Open Up

Open Up

I see you looking at me sometimes.

Makes me wonder whats on your mind.

I know I can be hard to read at times.

Just remember I'm just learning this open mind.

I've been told I was not worth the time.

For so long I had to quiet my mind.

I'm finally able to see.

What I've been hiding inside of me.

I feel it coming in a shout.

The words have begun to flow out.

It may take some time but you will see.

I will bring out the voices inside of me.

So just a Thank You for being able to set my mind free.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/20/2018

Rescued Baby Bunnies

RESCUED BABY BUNNIES

Well my brother saved 2 little baby bunnies this weekend from a snake. They are to cute and they are doing great. Eyes just opened up Sunday morning.

That Feeling

That Feeling

That feeling you get

When you take your first hit.

Trying to find something

You can't ever get again.

Losing yourself

For only a bit.

Forget your memories

Forget your dreams.

Forget your lost childhood.

Forget it all !

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/14/2018

Beginning Again

Beginning Again

Today I started a new view.

Things seem so different and new.

I'm still the same person you see.

I'm just showing a new side of me.

Always there but tucked away.

To scared to speak afraid of what they might say.

Finally able to speak my mind.

For many my words won't be kind

Written By: Heather Cole

                    10/1/2017

Beautiful Day

BEAUTIFUL DAY

It was a beautiful day yesterday and I got one good photo out of it. It was a day for thinking. Voices trying to creep in again. Not leaving home just wondering in the woods lately. Headed away from house for first time in while to go clean a house. I will post more later on. Have a crazy day all !!

Heather Cole  3/13/2018

Happy And Scared

Happy And Scared

Today I finally let things slip away.

I never thought I would see this day.

All the pain that hurt for so long.

With it gone I can finally move on.

Voices screamed in the past.

They have been silenced at last.

Finally saying things out loud.

Makes me feel nervous and proud.

No longer wanting to be the scared little girl.

I feel I can almost take on the world.

No more hiding and running away.

Just looking forward to each new day.

To think all I needed to do.

Was let it all out to you.

Written By: Heather Cole

                     3/2017

Who I am

Who I Am

At times I have thought

Man I have done a lot

Hitchhiking all over the states

Hoping to find my place

Seeing all the sites around me

Feeling what it was like to be free

Meeting so many people along the way

I still talk to some of them today

At times I would be amazed at what I was seeing

Knowing only God could create something this amazing

Fields upon fields of sunflowers were a sight

On the beach listening to the sea talk to me late one night

Camping in an open field under millions of stars

Even on a deserted highway not hearing any cars

All these and so many more in my memories

Have made me who I come to be

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2/12/18

Can't

Can't

Feeling alone

Cant rest I must roam

Searching for something that's not there

Talking to voices that don't care

Feeling myself slowly slipping away

More of me dying each day

Alone face soaked in tears

No one noticed I disappeared

Living in fear

I cant stay here

Written By: Heather Cole

                    10/17

In A Dream

In A Dream

Once in a dream

I saw a girl by a stream

She looked so sad to me

And her face I could not see

Picturing her tear soaked face

Wanting to give her a big embrace

Moving in closer for a better look

She was writing in a book

As I moved closer she looked sadly at me

That's when I saw she was really me

Written By: Heather Cole

                    1/7/18

Can Anyone Hear Me?

Can Anyone Hear Me?

Can anyone hear me?

Please someone listen.

I feel no one hears me at all.

Trying to tell them I am about to fall.

It cant only bet the voices in my head.

They hear me say I want to be dead. 

They are creeping up in my mind again.

Don't let them hurt me my friend.

I cant be like you or anyone else.

Trying so hard to not be myself.

I've had it, I just don't care.

Do you hear me out there?

The voices are trying to hurt me.

Don't you hear my pleas?

I wish you could hear the words that they say.

Then maybe you would understand why I am this way.

I don't want to hurt myself. Stop them please.

I don't want to die make them stop! Please!

Can you hear me?

Help me please!

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2/27/18

Goodbye 2017

Goodbye 2017

Goodbye 2017 you were the year of tears

Showing me so much fear

The ups and downs were not easy

Hearing voices in my head tease me

The awesome boyfriend seemed a good fit

Instead his crazy ideas put me through quite a bit

Everything is etched in my memory

The voices, being lost, the lies and jealousy

Doing things I would not normally do

Just barely making it through

The paranoia pounded in my head

Convincing me someone wanted me dead

So much chaos made my mind unclear

Making the voices easier to hear

For a moment everything seemed within reach

Then all the sudden homeless on a beach

Having to go through so much

I began to lose touch

The loss I felt in September

Is something I will always remember

To scared to call home

I spent the year feeling lost and alone

So goodbye 2017 you are in the past

Time to stop the voices and rest at last

Written By: Heather Cole

                    12/31/17

Praying

Praying

Thinking one day

When was the last time I prayed

I forgot when

So I decided to pray right then

God, I hope your listening to what I say

Please help me each day

Free me from these voices in my mind

They have been so unkind

Take away all this pain I feel

Please God help me heal

As I finished I could feel the release

My mind was calm, body more at ease

Thank you God its nice to speak again

I've always known you are my friend

AMEN

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/5/2017

How Many?

How Many?

I'm so tired of hearing her whine and complain

Such a bore and pretty lame

Hiding her is so much fun for me

You will see

She is always wearing a frown

Always writing her sadness down

Hiding her is a chance to come out and play

To smile my day away

I keep things going smoothly

Making sure all of us are happy

I keep us calmed down

Making sure we stick around

What about me?

I'm stronger you can see

The others have nothing on me

Hear that? 

Here's our chance

Come sing with me

Sing some Me and Bobby McGee

Written By: Heather Cole

                     2/21/18

Walking Thoughts

Walking Thoughts

Music up all the way

Mind begins to slip away

Feet moving to the beat

Moving me on down the street

Seeing cars as they pass

Look there are pieces from a crash

Saw something dead about a mile back

Looks like someone tried to put it in a sack

Trash on the ground everywhere

More people should care

Music playing loud still for me

As I watch cars go by me

Heather Cole

2/19/18

The Day We Met

The Day We Met

Look in the mirror and what do I see

A new face staring back at me

It wasn't always like this

I'm happy to see it, it was missed

The face was found just in time I must say

When my life was in disarray

The moment it happened, I an tell you the exact day

February 21 on a cold wet day

I was nervous and began to pop my knuckles

Glad I was sitting I'm sure my legs would have buckled

He looked so calm and at ease that day

I didn't know what to say

At that moment it all began

To think I almost ran

Written By:  Heather Cole

                     April 25, 2017

Things To Think About Daily In 2018

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT DAILY IN 2018

I wrote this the beginning of the year and today was first time I looked at it again. I really need to listen to myself sometimes.

1. Words hurt
2. Hiding things even with good intentions hurts
3. Actions speak volumes
4. Cant please everyone
5. Keep goals updated
6. The past is gone
7. Pray and be thankful
8. Stay positive
9. Stay focused
10. Keep looking forward
11. My family
12. My art work
13. The voices in my head are not real
14. Think before listen to the voices
15. Think before I speak to the voices
16. Remind myself that I am OK
17. Write more often
18. Get my first book published
19. I am not who I used to be
20. I create my own destiny
21. Reread my writing
22. Update my blog every day
23. Take my medications
24. Talk to someone if I need to
25. Start an art therapy group

What you think? Some of these seem like I should remember them like most people would but I don't.

Written By: Heather Cole
                    1/2018

Things I Miss

THINGS I MISS

Hello everyone

So while I have been sick with this flu and have hurt my back sneezing and coughing. I have had time to think about things I have been missing. So as I always do I made a list.

1. Safety
2. Family
3. My mind
4. A car
5. A friend nearby
6. Feeling free
7. Love
8. Home
9. A job
10. Being wanted
11. Feeling needed
12. A touch
13. A voice
14. My children
15. My childhood
16. Smiling 
17. Laughing
18. A first kiss
19. Silence in my head
20. The ocean

Im sure I will ad more to this list someday but for now it is what it is. Now maybe I can get some rest tonight we will see.

Heather Cole