HIGH then LOW

HIGH...

A.M. 

Was out for little hike with little brother and feeling good. Was hurting and tired but felt good to talk and get some fresh air.

NOON

Headed back home and took some photos of different fungus and mushrooms. Then home again. Little later it was not so good.

Had a fire going and was so angry I wanted to throw myself on it. Everything was making me mad. I was pacing and crying. Hurting and tired too.

Why can't I be like everyone else in my family?

Going to bed now I hope to sleep.

Heather Cole

HELLO EVERYONE

Hello everyone...
I haven't posted much this last week due to my computer being down. It's been a rough week mentally. Mood swings been crazy and have packed few times. Also wrote notes to family telling them I loved them and would miss them. Manic and can't sleep much also. Everyday it's a struggle to get out of bed but other days I can't stop moving. I have about 10 art pieces going at once and kitchen cabinets are reorganized ( alphabetical, in rows, and by size). Voices have been screaming in my head telling me i'm useless and don't belong. Well time to see if I can focus on something today.

As Always Have A Great Day


Heather Cole

FEELING BLAH

Felling Blah

Haven't posted in few days been feeling really down. Want to drink, want to get high, want to run. No I haven't drank, done drugs or ran yet. I have worked everyday this week and exhausted. I have cried everyday this week at least twice a day. Feeling alone and just sick. Then to hear someone say I am just faking mental illness so I don't have to take care of my responsibilities really ticks me off. Really wish they could live in my head for a day even. The voices have started being mean again and won't shut the hell up. I work and then come home. I don't go out anymore. I don't hang with friends. And I don't want to be.  That is all for today.

Heather Cole 

FORGIVING

Forgiving

What am I to do?

Been so long since I last saw you.

I'm surprised to see you right here.

I've got something you need to hear.

I remember the horrible things you said.

When drunk you would hit me instead.

The words have stuck with me all this time.

Tattooed on my brain each and every line.

The bruises may be gone from my skin.

But I remember each one of them.

I forgive you for all you did wrong.

Now I know I'm right where I belong.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    Jan. 2018

BROKEN HEARTED

Broken Hearted

Waiting for the phone to ring.

Day to day just being.

Feeling empty and not complete.

Wanting to hear the sound of your heartbeat.

Each day that passed more of me died.

Figuring out that you lied.

Trying so hard to find my better half.

To comfort me and make me laugh.

Broken and defeated wanting to know.

How could you just leave me and go?

Lost and listening for the phone.

Hoping to hear you say "I'm on my way home."

Day by day I sat in tears.

Having to sell all our gear.

To live, to eat, and just go on more.

One by one watching our things walk out the door.

Hoping and praying I could leave soon.

To see the one I love to the moon.

Just about at wits end.

Stressed and praying for a friend.

But friends only came to take and use.

Knowing I needed help they seemed amused.

A week late helping me out.

Leaving the next day they cleaned us out.

Finally off to meet with my love at last.

Six hour ride so gave all our money for gas.

Having a lot of time to think.

I had to stop for a drink.

I don't understand what you were doing all this time.

Telling myself everything will be fine.

As I find out all that went on.

You made me see our love was gone.

Written By: Heather Cole

                       7/25/2017

This poem was written after my boyfriend at the time left on June 28th 2017 and said he would be right back. I didn't hear from him for almost a week. Then he kept telling me he was on his way in couple hours. Then it was someone would come get me in couple hours. Telling me he was still in Arkansas but wasn't. Tried to report car stolen and police said since we lived together and he was my boyfriend that they couldn't since I let him use my car. He finally came clean and told me he was in Mississippi and my car was stolen from him by a woman he was trying to help. He let me know she had my car for almost 2 weeks then. I found my car finally by texting his phone since she stole it too. The car was totaled. Inside car was trashed, all my tools gone, all camping gear gone and my necklaces that were hanging on my rear view mirror. So when I got to Mississippi I go to police department and they take my report and inform me I had to file my own charges against her. All I could get her charged with was joy riding and property damage. As the ex boyfriend was telling the police his side of the ordeal he said " I was playing captain save- a- ho. I read his messages she had sent to me telling her he loved her and all that also. I was broken and wanted him so much I forgave and listened to his lies for a while after. Had me convinced the girl had friends looking for me to kill me over her stealing my car. Paranoid and running I lost my mind. Listening to the voices in my head again. Homeless and ready to die. Thought my family didn't care. 

I'm doing better now and on my meds again. Have a very understanding boyfriend now also. He has the patience of a saint to deal with me. Thank you for reading I feel better now.

Heather

All I had left to take with me to Mississippi.

 

HAVING A BAD DAY

Having a Bad Day 

Today has been one of those days. I had a cat rescue to clean this morning and all I could do is cry off and on. Just sad, angry, tired, and worried about everything. This is one of the worse days I have had in while. I even thought about drinking my bottle of Even Williams but changed my mind. It would only make my thoughts worse not better. Mom asked if I took my meds and I did take them. My 12 year old niece wanted to know what was wrong and I couldn't explain it to her. She doesn't understand why I am different than I was before the voices started again and the paranoia. I ran so much last year and hid from people I thought were trying to kill me. The voices didn't help much either. Being homeless and alone was really hard and to scared to call home. I thought my family didn't love me and would be better off if I was dead. I am about to take meds and go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be better I hope.

Living the best I can and so should everyone else.

Heather Cole

DRIVING

Driving

Driving down the road.

Trying to get the next payload.

Thoughts running through my mind.

Other drivers are so blind.

Cut me off into a ditch.

Damn you crazy bitch!

Almost there at last.

Looking in cars as I pass.

Getting nervous and the sweat pours.

Feel like I've been driving for hours.

Written By: Heather Cole

Photo By: Heather Cole

                   5/2017

TO DRINK

To Drink

I stop and think.
Why did i start to drink?
To forget the faces in my head.
Help me sleep.
Feel a touch without flinching.

Why did I get high the first time?
The drinks stopped working on my mind.
Became numb and able to cope.
To not see the faces that hurt me.
The dope gave me false hope.

Faces disappear.
When feeling no fear.
Later you realize the face never went away.
Only hiding waiting to come out and play.
Always a memory away.

Shutting people out.
Not giving people a chance.
The faces always haunting me.
Hiding and getting high all alone.
Trying so hard to make the faces be gone.

I'm getting ready in my own mind.
To leave the faces behind.

To end my life at the right time.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    5/2018

Lost Then Found

Lost Then Found

This is a barbed wire tree I had done a little over a year ago. It wasn't finished and then I got lost again. Hearing voices and running from things I am not sure were really after me. It all started when my boyfriend at the time stole my car and took from Arkansas to Mississippi. He kept telling me he was coming home soon. I tried to report it stolen and police said since he was my boyfriend and we lived together I couldn't file charges because I let him use the car. The car had been gone few days by then. Little did I know he had the car stolen from him by the woman he went to Mississippi to save. After 14 days I finally tracked down my car. Sold everything we owned and found ride down to Mississippi to file charges. Car was totaled, courts would only issue warrant for joy riding and damages, and I was trying to figure out way to get him and her charged. That is when I lost my mind again.

This is the same tree. I call it  Lost Then Found.  Everything on this tree has been found while clearing 3 acres of land at my moms here in Arkansas. I am taking my meds and feeling better for the most part. I am still hearing voices and having problems leaving house but I am trying. I work 5 days a week for about 3 hours a day. I clean 2 different cat rescues that I do alone and don't have to worry about people or noises bothering me. High pitched sounds for some reason make me angry and sudden loud sounds scare me. I would rather stay home and work on artwork and out in yard instead of deal with people.

Today I went with my best friend Rusty to have a burger and a beer for dinner. We went to local bar I used to hang out at often. We ate and drank a beer. Wasn't long and I was ready to go though. The people playing pool were getting loud and more people were coming in. Started getting scared, trying to figure out best way to get out of there if someone were to try and get me. The voices started telling me I had to go, I wasn't safe, they would kill me. So very happy my friend didn't mind taking me home so soon. Feeling safe and secure right now.

Well have a great day all. Time to work on more of yard and couple of art pieces.

Heather Cole

4/7/2018

Photos and Art By: Heather Cole

USED

Used

I'm not here for your amusement.

Emotionally I'm just spent.

Not knowing where I stand.

A stranger in a strange land.

What am I to you?

A piece of trash under your shoe?

You could do what ever.

I could do nothing whats so ever.

Taking advantage of my mental illness.

Knowing I couldn't handle much more stress.

Back on my meds and feeling stronger.

Won't be putting up with you much longer.

Done with your crap now.

I'm leaving today, RIGHT NOW !

Written By: Heather Cole

                  11/ 19/2017

JUST THINKING

Just Thinking

What makes us think?

Why do people drink?

How much time is left for us?

Why do people want love?

How did the kiss get started?

What if the world just stop spinning?

What is the meaning of life?

What if the moon disappeared?

Or the reason why some people are lost?

Do they know where they are?

Then are they really lost at all?

Is fake really real?

Why are women pictured in dresses?

Why do some crave chaos and clutter?

How do two people make it work?

Why do we pray?

Why are most buildings shaped the same way?

Why do you see just one shoe along the highway?

Why one and not two?

Why am I wired different than others?

Why do some people kill others?

Why do some kill themselves?

Just thoughts that go through my mind... constantly worried about things and can't shut it off.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    4/3/2018

ANOTHER BAD DAY OR TRASHED

Another Bad Day or Trash

So much hurt inside.
When used and thrown aside.
Again I did the stupid thing, still wearing his stupid ring.

I believed your lies.
You can't even come look me in the eyes.
I will be there in a few, I promise you.

Knife in hand as tears roll down.
Knowing my heart let me down.
Will my heart ever learn, it cant have what it yearns?

Wishing I had my car to flee.
Maybe even run it into a tree.
It's easy to think of me with a neon sign flashing over me.

Hate myself today as it should be.
I don't even deserve to breathe.
Being stupid as always, waiting to be played.

Figures the knife is dull !

Written By: Heather Cole

                  07/10/2017