My Day Today

MY DAY TODAY

Today was a blah day. Did a lot of yard work today. Worked on a couple of barbed wire pieces and did some writing this evening. Lack of sleep last couple days has caught up to me I think I am finally tired. My medicines seem to be doing ok I guess. Anxiety really high, voices talking to me, mind racing and can't stop the thoughts today. Tomorrow is going to be better. I am going to go clean a house if I can get myself to drive in the morning. Have a good day everyone Good Night 

Heather Cole

3/30/2018

REALIZING

Realizing

Sitting one a bench with no place to go.

Just walked eight miles to make some dough.

The old man left with the rent.

Leaving me feeling spent.

Wondering what my life is for.

Feeling like a broke down whore.

The time spent chasing a dream for two.

Was wasted time I spent on you.

If I were lucky tomorrow would not start.

Then I wouldn't feel this broken heart.

So you had your thrills.

Leaving me to handle the bills.

Can you hear me yell ?

Telling you to go to hell.

Lost, alone and ready to breakdown.

The voices are ready to help me leave town.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/08/2017

So glad I made it through all that then. I almost didn't. I still struggle with it almost everyday but getting better. 

TO MY CHILDREN

To My Children

Laughing, smiling, faking happy while crying inside.
Looking at photos of days gone by.
Tears running down my face.
Trying to show some grace.
So many things I left behind.
Makes me cry whenever I see you.
To watch you grow from pictures of your past.
Lets me know my choice was not made too fast.
The day I signed it hurt so much.
I cried so hard that last touch.
I did what I thought was best for you both.
Hoping one day you both could see it was your only hope.
Never a day has gone by I didn't wonder.
If what I did was right for my youngsters.
I see the people you are today.
I think of a day.
Where we can talk and get to know.
Of our pasts and learn to grow.
To you both I hope for the best.
To follow your dreams and let God handle the rest.
Aim higher than I ever dreamed.
Just remember I am always on your team.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2017

CRAPPY PEP TALK

Crappy Pep Talk

Thoughts moving so fast

Can't keep hiding from the past.

The past will only keep you down

Let it out and lose that frown.

Once it's off your chest

You will finally get some rest.

Speak the words is what you must do

Once it's done you will feel new.

Or put down with pen and paper.

You will thank me later.

Written By: Heather Cole

                     11/2/2017

Well it's 5 am and I've had about 3 hours sleep. Can't seem to shut things off lately. So got up and decided to post a pep talk I wrote for myself. Hoping the rest of week goes better. Have a great day everyone.

Heather Cole

ENJOYING NEW CAMERA !

Enjoying New Camera

Enjoying my new camera. Photography is another way I manage my thinking. Have been having hard time the last couple weeks with not sleeping, anxiety and voices also. Most of these were taken around my rock garden at home.  Hope everyone enjoys these.

Have a great day everyone !

Photography By: Heather Cole

                             3/24/2018

To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern

I lost my best friend one day not long ago.

My love,

The last note to my song.

Turns out he was all wrong.

Now I pray to be strong and to be found again.

Someone to find me and give me a reason to be.

Someone to save me when all I see is darkness around me.

I will not be misled again.

I will not lose myself again.

I will not put them before me again.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/10/2017

Before The Lies

Before the Lies

What a lucky woman I am.

I found the sweetest man.

He has dreams and drive.

Can't wait to watch him thrive.

He has the biggest heart I've seen.

Just makes my heart scream.

His eyes carry me away to a dream.

To a day where we make it as a team.

The arms he wraps around me in bed.

Have stopped the voices in my head.

He has a mind and uses it well.

Makes me happy can't you tell.

The words flow out and make me think.

I may no longer be on the brink.

I'm always surprised by the things will say.

Makes my mind work more each day.

He lifts my spirit up so high.

Makes me proud to call him my guy.

He has brought out the part of me I thought was lost.

So I will forever try to keep him at any cost.

There is so much to say.

Maybe I will write more another day.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    5/7/2017

Found and Goodnight

Found

I've traveled coast to coast.

Searching as if you were a ghost.

When I thought all was lost.

Our paths finally crossed.

Meeting you has brought me peace.

I can finally feel at ease.

You bring me to myself.

The part of me hid on a back shelf.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    4/2017

Goodnight

The day has come to an end.

My body aches when I bend.

I seem to be on the mend.

My mind is calmed down.

I've almost lost my frown.

So time to put on a soft nightgown.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/21/2018

Open Up

Open Up

I see you looking at me sometimes.

Makes me wonder whats on your mind.

I know I can be hard to read at times.

Just remember I'm just learning this open mind.

I've been told I was not worth the time.

For so long I had to quiet my mind.

I'm finally able to see.

What I've been hiding inside of me.

I feel it coming in a shout.

The words have begun to flow out.

It may take some time but you will see.

I will bring out the voices inside of me.

So just a Thank You for being able to set my mind free.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/20/2018

Rescued Baby Bunnies

RESCUED BABY BUNNIES

Well my brother saved 2 little baby bunnies this weekend from a snake. They are to cute and they are doing great. Eyes just opened up Sunday morning.

That Feeling

That Feeling

That feeling you get

When you take your first hit.

Trying to find something

You can't ever get again.

Losing yourself

For only a bit.

Forget your memories

Forget your dreams.

Forget your lost childhood.

Forget it all !

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/14/2018

Beginning Again

Beginning Again

Today I started a new view.

Things seem so different and new.

I'm still the same person you see.

I'm just showing a new side of me.

Always there but tucked away.

To scared to speak afraid of what they might say.

Finally able to speak my mind.

For many my words won't be kind

Written By: Heather Cole

                    10/1/2017

Beautiful Day

BEAUTIFUL DAY

It was a beautiful day yesterday and I got one good photo out of it. It was a day for thinking. Voices trying to creep in again. Not leaving home just wondering in the woods lately. Headed away from house for first time in while to go clean a house. I will post more later on. Have a crazy day all !!

Heather Cole  3/13/2018

Happy And Scared

Happy And Scared

Today I finally let things slip away.

I never thought I would see this day.

All the pain that hurt for so long.

With it gone I can finally move on.

Voices screamed in the past.

They have been silenced at last.

Finally saying things out loud.

Makes me feel nervous and proud.

No longer wanting to be the scared little girl.

I feel I can almost take on the world.

No more hiding and running away.

Just looking forward to each new day.

To think all I needed to do.

Was let it all out to you.

Written By: Heather Cole

                     3/2017

Giving wood art a try.

GIVING WOOD ART A TRY

So as I have been out walking on the property where I live, I have noticed old trees rotting. Tree limbs, stumps, whole trees and as I look at them I see they can become something else. So here I go on something to occupy my mind.

Dancer

Moose

Evil face

I will post as I finish them. Should be interesting.

Heather Cole

STUPID

Stupid

Anger is coming out today.

Go ahead! Lets Play!

Wasting time chasing cash.

All for some dumb ass.

Ive always been there to help you out.

Then I have to go without.

So no more being nice to you punk.

When I see you I'm throwing you in my trunk.

A woman tagging along.

You have it all wrong.

I think like you in many ways.

I still remember the good old days.

I'm older and wiser than your ass.

You have wasted your only free pass.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    6/17

The Many

The Many

Blitzed and dazed.

Still not fazed.

Living in this messed up maze.

Go! Run!

Still left alone with my thoughts.

Upset because of the pain you brought.

What else will life put in my way?

Go! Run!

What did you say?

Don't fear dear.

Its just me, another you right here.

I'm here to help you with your fear.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/5/18

This is unfinished but will post a better version later.

Seeing

Seeing

Seeing you, seeing me.

Can you see us by the sea?

On a boat catching fish?

Or a fountain making a wish?

Anything is possible if you can imagine.

Great things can really happen.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    11/17

So tired

SO TIRED

Its been s couple nights since I have had some good sleep. I am still taking  my meds but when you have a negative person constantly making you feel like your going nuts its not easy. I live with my mom for now and her ex boyfriend is here also. Hes a piece of trash. He is one of those people who will look at you and give you a compliment and at same time he is letting you know he dont like you and your useless. I swear he has been talking under his breath around me. At first I thought it was the voices in my head coming back. While I was cleaning up kitchen last night all he did was complain about me being useless and lazy. Then he sat there and told me if it wasnt for him I would still be homeless. Telling me he takled mom into letting me come back home. Not 5 minutes later he is saying how difficult its been for him to be nice to me. WTF. I started packing a bag last night to hit the road again. between him and the voices picking on me I just want to be away from them.  I spent most of my year last year on the road running because I thought people were trying to kill me. It was a hard year not talking to my mom or my brothers much. Im glad I made it but some people just make it hard.

Ok I am done ranting right now. Time to sit down with my sketch pad and calm my mind. Have a blessed day everyone.

Heather Cole
3/5/2018

Wanting Silence

Wanting Silence

Silence...even just for a few moments.

Silence...from all their arguments.

All crammed into my head at one time.

Slowly making me lose my mind.

One by one over time they come about.

Claiming to be helping me out.

Every time I could not cope.

They would give me a false sense of hope.

Hiding me away deep inside.

So they could deal with the outside.

So please a little silence while I they sleep.

Silence so I can take a peek.

Just to see if its safe for me.

Or if I should just let them help me.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/4/17

Other Ways To Cope

OTHER WAYS TO COPE

I love writing but also enjoy other forms of art. Each form helps in its own way.

All of these are made of barbed wire. Very relaxing but also hurts lol. What you all think?

Who I am

Who I Am

At times I have thought

Man I have done a lot

Hitchhiking all over the states

Hoping to find my place

Seeing all the sites around me

Feeling what it was like to be free

Meeting so many people along the way

I still talk to some of them today

At times I would be amazed at what I was seeing

Knowing only God could create something this amazing

Fields upon fields of sunflowers were a sight

On the beach listening to the sea talk to me late one night

Camping in an open field under millions of stars

Even on a deserted highway not hearing any cars

All these and so many more in my memories

Have made me who I come to be

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2/12/18

Curiosity

Curiosity

I am always making lists for everything. Things I need to do for the day, things I need from store, mental notes that change constantly, and for whatever reason I can come up with for a list. So here is another list. Kind of sad list but was on a bad day as usual.


What my last words might be...

1. I had a blast all !
2. Its been nice.
3. Time to go.
4. Wonder if I am going to Heaven?
5. Wish I could have kept love.
6. Sorry if I was not there for you.
7. So much left I wanted to do.
8. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you.
9. This is not what I expected in the end.
10. I wish I had not felt rejected.
11. Bad memories are almost gone finally.
12. The voices can no longer hurt me.
13. I was scared and saw no other choice.
14. No one could hear my inner voice.
15. This life is finally over.
16. I never figured life out.
17. Don't cry please.
18. My mind has finally stopped hurting me.
19. I will always miss my family.
20. I just got tired of being tough.
21. I knew this would happen one day.
22. I'm sorry I hope you will understand one day.
23. This hurts to much wish I had done something else.
24. One more shot bartender please.
25. One..two..three..JUMP
26. Peace at last !
27. Man that was fun wasn't it?
28. Hold my hand.
29. I don't want to die this way.
30. I should have said more.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/1/2018

Can't

Can't

Feeling alone

Cant rest I must roam

Searching for something that's not there

Talking to voices that don't care

Feeling myself slowly slipping away

More of me dying each day

Alone face soaked in tears

No one noticed I disappeared

Living in fear

I cant stay here

Written By: Heather Cole

                    10/17