REMEMBERING

REMEMBERING

Mind racing, head throbbing, voices screaming in my head.
Millions of thoughts won't stop even in bed.
Voices shout "IT CAN GET WORSE".
I look in the mirror and curse.

I'm not alone inside these walls.
I can be a new me everyday after all.
One comes out to help each day.
To handle what I can't anyway.

They drink and have fun.
Also help me run.
Look at the unfamiliar faces.
How did I get to these places?

I want to come out of this shell.
Screaming " LET ME OUT OF THIS HELL".
Writing everyday.
Helps to remember it all along the way.

Read them to myself.
Remember how I dealt.
Amazed at all I've done.
Realizing I hurt everyone.

Another voice inside.
A voice I need to hide.
Lost with no end in sight.
Trying to win an unbeatable fight.

Planning my next move in life.
Cutting myself with a knife.
Lost in time.
Don't want to follow the voices in my mind.

Screaming HELP! everyday.
Voices just won't go away.


Written By: Heather Cole
                    2017


Sorry all for not posting lately. Having some problems sleeping and been feeling really low. Didn't help that my hot spot quit working on me also. Everyday is a struggle lately. With my mood swings, panic attacks, kidney stones and voices fighting in my head, I am shocked I'm not in state hospital again. Nightmares coming back doesn't help either. I am already working on blog post for tomorrow. Have a good night all.

Heather Cole

HIGH then LOW

HIGH...

A.M. 

Was out for little hike with little brother and feeling good. Was hurting and tired but felt good to talk and get some fresh air.

NOON

Headed back home and took some photos of different fungus and mushrooms. Then home again. Little later it was not so good.

Had a fire going and was so angry I wanted to throw myself on it. Everything was making me mad. I was pacing and crying. Hurting and tired too.

Why can't I be like everyone else in my family?

Going to bed now I hope to sleep.

Heather Cole

FEELING BLAH

Felling Blah

Haven't posted in few days been feeling really down. Want to drink, want to get high, want to run. No I haven't drank, done drugs or ran yet. I have worked everyday this week and exhausted. I have cried everyday this week at least twice a day. Feeling alone and just sick. Then to hear someone say I am just faking mental illness so I don't have to take care of my responsibilities really ticks me off. Really wish they could live in my head for a day even. The voices have started being mean again and won't shut the hell up. I work and then come home. I don't go out anymore. I don't hang with friends. And I don't want to be.  That is all for today.

Heather Cole 

TO DRINK

To Drink

I stop and think.
Why did i start to drink?
To forget the faces in my head.
Help me sleep.
Feel a touch without flinching.

Why did I get high the first time?
The drinks stopped working on my mind.
Became numb and able to cope.
To not see the faces that hurt me.
The dope gave me false hope.

Faces disappear.
When feeling no fear.
Later you realize the face never went away.
Only hiding waiting to come out and play.
Always a memory away.

Shutting people out.
Not giving people a chance.
The faces always haunting me.
Hiding and getting high all alone.
Trying so hard to make the faces be gone.

I'm getting ready in my own mind.
To leave the faces behind.

To end my life at the right time.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    5/2018

ANOTHER BAD DAY OR TRASHED

Another Bad Day or Trash

So much hurt inside.
When used and thrown aside.
Again I did the stupid thing, still wearing his stupid ring.

I believed your lies.
You can't even come look me in the eyes.
I will be there in a few, I promise you.

Knife in hand as tears roll down.
Knowing my heart let me down.
Will my heart ever learn, it cant have what it yearns?

Wishing I had my car to flee.
Maybe even run it into a tree.
It's easy to think of me with a neon sign flashing over me.

Hate myself today as it should be.
I don't even deserve to breathe.
Being stupid as always, waiting to be played.

Figures the knife is dull !

Written By: Heather Cole

                  07/10/2017

My Day Today

MY DAY TODAY

Today was a blah day. Did a lot of yard work today. Worked on a couple of barbed wire pieces and did some writing this evening. Lack of sleep last couple days has caught up to me I think I am finally tired. My medicines seem to be doing ok I guess. Anxiety really high, voices talking to me, mind racing and can't stop the thoughts today. Tomorrow is going to be better. I am going to go clean a house if I can get myself to drive in the morning. Have a good day everyone Good Night 

Heather Cole

3/30/2018

REALIZING

Realizing

Sitting one a bench with no place to go.

Just walked eight miles to make some dough.

The old man left with the rent.

Leaving me feeling spent.

Wondering what my life is for.

Feeling like a broke down whore.

The time spent chasing a dream for two.

Was wasted time I spent on you.

If I were lucky tomorrow would not start.

Then I wouldn't feel this broken heart.

So you had your thrills.

Leaving me to handle the bills.

Can you hear me yell ?

Telling you to go to hell.

Lost, alone and ready to breakdown.

The voices are ready to help me leave town.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/08/2017

So glad I made it through all that then. I almost didn't. I still struggle with it almost everyday but getting better. 

TO MY CHILDREN

To My Children

Laughing, smiling, faking happy while crying inside.
Looking at photos of days gone by.
Tears running down my face.
Trying to show some grace.
So many things I left behind.
Makes me cry whenever I see you.
To watch you grow from pictures of your past.
Lets me know my choice was not made too fast.
The day I signed it hurt so much.
I cried so hard that last touch.
I did what I thought was best for you both.
Hoping one day you both could see it was your only hope.
Never a day has gone by I didn't wonder.
If what I did was right for my youngsters.
I see the people you are today.
I think of a day.
Where we can talk and get to know.
Of our pasts and learn to grow.
To you both I hope for the best.
To follow your dreams and let God handle the rest.
Aim higher than I ever dreamed.
Just remember I am always on your team.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2017

ENJOYING NEW CAMERA !

Enjoying New Camera

Enjoying my new camera. Photography is another way I manage my thinking. Have been having hard time the last couple weeks with not sleeping, anxiety and voices also. Most of these were taken around my rock garden at home.  Hope everyone enjoys these.

Have a great day everyone !

Photography By: Heather Cole

                             3/24/2018

To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern

I lost my best friend one day not long ago.

My love,

The last note to my song.

Turns out he was all wrong.

Now I pray to be strong and to be found again.

Someone to find me and give me a reason to be.

Someone to save me when all I see is darkness around me.

I will not be misled again.

I will not lose myself again.

I will not put them before me again.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/10/2017

Before The Lies

Before the Lies

What a lucky woman I am.

I found the sweetest man.

He has dreams and drive.

Can't wait to watch him thrive.

He has the biggest heart I've seen.

Just makes my heart scream.

His eyes carry me away to a dream.

To a day where we make it as a team.

The arms he wraps around me in bed.

Have stopped the voices in my head.

He has a mind and uses it well.

Makes me happy can't you tell.

The words flow out and make me think.

I may no longer be on the brink.

I'm always surprised by the things will say.

Makes my mind work more each day.

He lifts my spirit up so high.

Makes me proud to call him my guy.

He has brought out the part of me I thought was lost.

So I will forever try to keep him at any cost.

There is so much to say.

Maybe I will write more another day.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    5/7/2017

Beautiful Day

BEAUTIFUL DAY

It was a beautiful day yesterday and I got one good photo out of it. It was a day for thinking. Voices trying to creep in again. Not leaving home just wondering in the woods lately. Headed away from house for first time in while to go clean a house. I will post more later on. Have a crazy day all !!

Heather Cole  3/13/2018

The Many

The Many

Blitzed and dazed.

Still not fazed.

Living in this messed up maze.

Go! Run!

Still left alone with my thoughts.

Upset because of the pain you brought.

What else will life put in my way?

Go! Run!

What did you say?

Don't fear dear.

Its just me, another you right here.

I'm here to help you with your fear.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/5/18

This is unfinished but will post a better version later.

Seeing

Seeing

Seeing you, seeing me.

Can you see us by the sea?

On a boat catching fish?

Or a fountain making a wish?

Anything is possible if you can imagine.

Great things can really happen.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    11/17

Can't

Can't

Feeling alone

Cant rest I must roam

Searching for something that's not there

Talking to voices that don't care

Feeling myself slowly slipping away

More of me dying each day

Alone face soaked in tears

No one noticed I disappeared

Living in fear

I cant stay here

Written By: Heather Cole

                    10/17

In A Dream

In A Dream

Once in a dream

I saw a girl by a stream

She looked so sad to me

And her face I could not see

Picturing her tear soaked face

Wanting to give her a big embrace

Moving in closer for a better look

She was writing in a book

As I moved closer she looked sadly at me

That's when I saw she was really me

Written By: Heather Cole

                    1/7/18

Can Anyone Hear Me?

Can Anyone Hear Me?

Can anyone hear me?

Please someone listen.

I feel no one hears me at all.

Trying to tell them I am about to fall.

It cant only bet the voices in my head.

They hear me say I want to be dead. 

They are creeping up in my mind again.

Don't let them hurt me my friend.

I cant be like you or anyone else.

Trying so hard to not be myself.

I've had it, I just don't care.

Do you hear me out there?

The voices are trying to hurt me.

Don't you hear my pleas?

I wish you could hear the words that they say.

Then maybe you would understand why I am this way.

I don't want to hurt myself. Stop them please.

I don't want to die make them stop! Please!

Can you hear me?

Help me please!

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2/27/18

Goodbye 2017

Goodbye 2017

Goodbye 2017 you were the year of tears

Showing me so much fear

The ups and downs were not easy

Hearing voices in my head tease me

The awesome boyfriend seemed a good fit

Instead his crazy ideas put me through quite a bit

Everything is etched in my memory

The voices, being lost, the lies and jealousy

Doing things I would not normally do

Just barely making it through

The paranoia pounded in my head

Convincing me someone wanted me dead

So much chaos made my mind unclear

Making the voices easier to hear

For a moment everything seemed within reach

Then all the sudden homeless on a beach

Having to go through so much

I began to lose touch

The loss I felt in September

Is something I will always remember

To scared to call home

I spent the year feeling lost and alone

So goodbye 2017 you are in the past

Time to stop the voices and rest at last

Written By: Heather Cole

                    12/31/17

Praying

Praying

Thinking one day

When was the last time I prayed

I forgot when

So I decided to pray right then

God, I hope your listening to what I say

Please help me each day

Free me from these voices in my mind

They have been so unkind

Take away all this pain I feel

Please God help me heal

As I finished I could feel the release

My mind was calm, body more at ease

Thank you God its nice to speak again

I've always known you are my friend

AMEN

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/5/2017

How Many?

How Many?

I'm so tired of hearing her whine and complain

Such a bore and pretty lame

Hiding her is so much fun for me

You will see

She is always wearing a frown

Always writing her sadness down

Hiding her is a chance to come out and play

To smile my day away

I keep things going smoothly

Making sure all of us are happy

I keep us calmed down

Making sure we stick around

What about me?

I'm stronger you can see

The others have nothing on me

Hear that? 

Here's our chance

Come sing with me

Sing some Me and Bobby McGee

Written By: Heather Cole

                     2/21/18