I'm Back

I'm Back

      I last blogged on August 31, 2018 and it's been a rough year.  So I'm going to start off where I left off.  Port O'Connor Texas ...

       My friend Larry and I decided to move in together in Port O'Connor. I just needed to get back to Arkansas, get packed, and get my meds back in me. 

      

         These photos were taken the day I left Port O'Connor. Both of us crying and he kept saying I wasn't coming back.  I told him I would be back soon and I wasn't going to be gone long.  We had been friends for so long and I was excited about coming back.  It wasn't long after I got to Arkansas that things started  to change.  Larry showed me a new side of him I never knew.  On NOVEMBER 10, 2018 I got a phone call from Larry's step dad.  He had found Larry when he came home, he had hung himself.  I beat myself up for not knowing or not trying hard enough.  I know now I couldn't have saved him.  Also there was so many things he had his from me. 

        So Larry dies and just my luck Ronnie my ex, who already destroyed me once before, came back into my life. Crazy me thought things would be different but they weren't. From November 2018 to May of 2019 Ronnie and I tried us again.   In the time we were together again I was homeless, alone, off medications again, and sending money to Ronnie in Oregon. Here is the poem I wrote for him just before he left.

Portland Bound

Got ok from shrink today.

Doctor said I can go home Yeah!

I look at the exit and I see,

His gorgeous face looking back at me.

All week long not able to see him.

How did he know I needed him again?

The doors opened up and my arms opened wide.

One long hug that melted me deep inside.

"Baby your smile is back.

Now go grab your backpack.

I was headed to Portland Oregon but come back.

I needed your happy face looking back at me."

Now a few days later and time to leave.

His ticket in hand, bags packed and fresh shave.

Inside I'm crying and hate today.

Reminding me I'll be on my way in a few days.

Poem by: Heather Cole

                   12/6/2018

I think this was a good start. Will post more about this last year tomorrow.   Here are few photos to enjoy.

         

FORGIVING

Forgiving

What am I to do?

Been so long since I last saw you.

I'm surprised to see you right here.

I've got something you need to hear.

I remember the horrible things you said.

When drunk you would hit me instead.

The words have stuck with me all this time.

Tattooed on my brain each and every line.

The bruises may be gone from my skin.

But I remember each one of them.

I forgive you for all you did wrong.

Now I know I'm right where I belong.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    Jan. 2018

Before The Lies

Before the Lies

What a lucky woman I am.

I found the sweetest man.

He has dreams and drive.

Can't wait to watch him thrive.

He has the biggest heart I've seen.

Just makes my heart scream.

His eyes carry me away to a dream.

To a day where we make it as a team.

The arms he wraps around me in bed.

Have stopped the voices in my head.

He has a mind and uses it well.

Makes me happy can't you tell.

The words flow out and make me think.

I may no longer be on the brink.

I'm always surprised by the things will say.

Makes my mind work more each day.

He lifts my spirit up so high.

Makes me proud to call him my guy.

He has brought out the part of me I thought was lost.

So I will forever try to keep him at any cost.

There is so much to say.

Maybe I will write more another day.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    5/7/2017

Praying

Praying

Thinking one day

When was the last time I prayed

I forgot when

So I decided to pray right then

God, I hope your listening to what I say

Please help me each day

Free me from these voices in my mind

They have been so unkind

Take away all this pain I feel

Please God help me heal

As I finished I could feel the release

My mind was calm, body more at ease

Thank you God its nice to speak again

I've always known you are my friend

AMEN

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/5/2017

The Day We Met

The Day We Met

Look in the mirror and what do I see

A new face staring back at me

It wasn't always like this

I'm happy to see it, it was missed

The face was found just in time I must say

When my life was in disarray

The moment it happened, I an tell you the exact day

February 21 on a cold wet day

I was nervous and began to pop my knuckles

Glad I was sitting I'm sure my legs would have buckled

He looked so calm and at ease that day

I didn't know what to say

At that moment it all began

To think I almost ran

Written By:  Heather Cole

                     April 25, 2017