First blog entry since May 9th

I'M NOT OK

It's been a while and sorry all. Right now I'm hiding in Texas. Been sick for months and not holding down much food. The voices told me I was being poisoned so I got off meds and away from everyone who could hurt me. Feeling some what better. Doctor said I'm not being poisoned but I don't believe it. I am refusing medications. I'm going to head back home Sunday morning even though I don't want to go. I'm sure the doctors want me on meds so they can poison me more. The voices have been louder here lately. Telling me to not go home. If my family has me committed then I will have to take them. So trying to find way not to go into hospital.

I've been writing alot more than usual and I think the voices inside are coming out more . My handwriting looks different from one poem to the next. I'm not remembering what I write.

Just before I left Arkansas on August 13th I had just finished my first driftwood art piece. I call it "The Duck Lamp" made it and the lampshade. Put it up for sale as a one of a kind functional art piece.

                     The Duck Lamp

Started as this...

Hope everyone likes it.  $300.00 lamp and lampshade.

I'm not crazy...

Heather Cole
8/31/2018

REMEMBERING

REMEMBERING

Mind racing, head throbbing, voices screaming in my head.
Millions of thoughts won't stop even in bed.
Voices shout "IT CAN GET WORSE".
I look in the mirror and curse.

I'm not alone inside these walls.
I can be a new me everyday after all.
One comes out to help each day.
To handle what I can't anyway.

They drink and have fun.
Also help me run.
Look at the unfamiliar faces.
How did I get to these places?

I want to come out of this shell.
Screaming " LET ME OUT OF THIS HELL".
Writing everyday.
Helps to remember it all along the way.

Read them to myself.
Remember how I dealt.
Amazed at all I've done.
Realizing I hurt everyone.

Another voice inside.
A voice I need to hide.
Lost with no end in sight.
Trying to win an unbeatable fight.

Planning my next move in life.
Cutting myself with a knife.
Lost in time.
Don't want to follow the voices in my mind.

Screaming HELP! everyday.
Voices just won't go away.


Written By: Heather Cole
                    2017


Sorry all for not posting lately. Having some problems sleeping and been feeling really low. Didn't help that my hot spot quit working on me also. Everyday is a struggle lately. With my mood swings, panic attacks, kidney stones and voices fighting in my head, I am shocked I'm not in state hospital again. Nightmares coming back doesn't help either. I am already working on blog post for tomorrow. Have a good night all.

Heather Cole

HIGH then LOW

HIGH...

A.M. 

Was out for little hike with little brother and feeling good. Was hurting and tired but felt good to talk and get some fresh air.

NOON

Headed back home and took some photos of different fungus and mushrooms. Then home again. Little later it was not so good.

Had a fire going and was so angry I wanted to throw myself on it. Everything was making me mad. I was pacing and crying. Hurting and tired too.

Why can't I be like everyone else in my family?

Going to bed now I hope to sleep.

Heather Cole

HELLO EVERYONE

Hello everyone...
I haven't posted much this last week due to my computer being down. It's been a rough week mentally. Mood swings been crazy and have packed few times. Also wrote notes to family telling them I loved them and would miss them. Manic and can't sleep much also. Everyday it's a struggle to get out of bed but other days I can't stop moving. I have about 10 art pieces going at once and kitchen cabinets are reorganized ( alphabetical, in rows, and by size). Voices have been screaming in my head telling me i'm useless and don't belong. Well time to see if I can focus on something today.

As Always Have A Great Day


Heather Cole

FEELING BLAH

Felling Blah

Haven't posted in few days been feeling really down. Want to drink, want to get high, want to run. No I haven't drank, done drugs or ran yet. I have worked everyday this week and exhausted. I have cried everyday this week at least twice a day. Feeling alone and just sick. Then to hear someone say I am just faking mental illness so I don't have to take care of my responsibilities really ticks me off. Really wish they could live in my head for a day even. The voices have started being mean again and won't shut the hell up. I work and then come home. I don't go out anymore. I don't hang with friends. And I don't want to be.  That is all for today.

Heather Cole 

FORGIVING

Forgiving

What am I to do?

Been so long since I last saw you.

I'm surprised to see you right here.

I've got something you need to hear.

I remember the horrible things you said.

When drunk you would hit me instead.

The words have stuck with me all this time.

Tattooed on my brain each and every line.

The bruises may be gone from my skin.

But I remember each one of them.

I forgive you for all you did wrong.

Now I know I'm right where I belong.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    Jan. 2018

DRIVING

Driving

Driving down the road.

Trying to get the next payload.

Thoughts running through my mind.

Other drivers are so blind.

Cut me off into a ditch.

Damn you crazy bitch!

Almost there at last.

Looking in cars as I pass.

Getting nervous and the sweat pours.

Feel like I've been driving for hours.

Written By: Heather Cole

Photo By: Heather Cole

                   5/2017

TO DRINK

To Drink

I stop and think.
Why did i start to drink?
To forget the faces in my head.
Help me sleep.
Feel a touch without flinching.

Why did I get high the first time?
The drinks stopped working on my mind.
Became numb and able to cope.
To not see the faces that hurt me.
The dope gave me false hope.

Faces disappear.
When feeling no fear.
Later you realize the face never went away.
Only hiding waiting to come out and play.
Always a memory away.

Shutting people out.
Not giving people a chance.
The faces always haunting me.
Hiding and getting high all alone.
Trying so hard to make the faces be gone.

I'm getting ready in my own mind.
To leave the faces behind.

To end my life at the right time.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    5/2018

Lost Then Found

Lost Then Found

This is a barbed wire tree I had done a little over a year ago. It wasn't finished and then I got lost again. Hearing voices and running from things I am not sure were really after me. It all started when my boyfriend at the time stole my car and took from Arkansas to Mississippi. He kept telling me he was coming home soon. I tried to report it stolen and police said since he was my boyfriend and we lived together I couldn't file charges because I let him use the car. The car had been gone few days by then. Little did I know he had the car stolen from him by the woman he went to Mississippi to save. After 14 days I finally tracked down my car. Sold everything we owned and found ride down to Mississippi to file charges. Car was totaled, courts would only issue warrant for joy riding and damages, and I was trying to figure out way to get him and her charged. That is when I lost my mind again.

This is the same tree. I call it  Lost Then Found.  Everything on this tree has been found while clearing 3 acres of land at my moms here in Arkansas. I am taking my meds and feeling better for the most part. I am still hearing voices and having problems leaving house but I am trying. I work 5 days a week for about 3 hours a day. I clean 2 different cat rescues that I do alone and don't have to worry about people or noises bothering me. High pitched sounds for some reason make me angry and sudden loud sounds scare me. I would rather stay home and work on artwork and out in yard instead of deal with people.

Today I went with my best friend Rusty to have a burger and a beer for dinner. We went to local bar I used to hang out at often. We ate and drank a beer. Wasn't long and I was ready to go though. The people playing pool were getting loud and more people were coming in. Started getting scared, trying to figure out best way to get out of there if someone were to try and get me. The voices started telling me I had to go, I wasn't safe, they would kill me. So very happy my friend didn't mind taking me home so soon. Feeling safe and secure right now.

Well have a great day all. Time to work on more of yard and couple of art pieces.

Heather Cole

4/7/2018

Photos and Art By: Heather Cole

USED

Used

I'm not here for your amusement.

Emotionally I'm just spent.

Not knowing where I stand.

A stranger in a strange land.

What am I to you?

A piece of trash under your shoe?

You could do what ever.

I could do nothing whats so ever.

Taking advantage of my mental illness.

Knowing I couldn't handle much more stress.

Back on my meds and feeling stronger.

Won't be putting up with you much longer.

Done with your crap now.

I'm leaving today, RIGHT NOW !

Written By: Heather Cole

                  11/ 19/2017

JUST THINKING

Just Thinking

What makes us think?

Why do people drink?

How much time is left for us?

Why do people want love?

How did the kiss get started?

What if the world just stop spinning?

What is the meaning of life?

What if the moon disappeared?

Or the reason why some people are lost?

Do they know where they are?

Then are they really lost at all?

Is fake really real?

Why are women pictured in dresses?

Why do some crave chaos and clutter?

How do two people make it work?

Why do we pray?

Why are most buildings shaped the same way?

Why do you see just one shoe along the highway?

Why one and not two?

Why am I wired different than others?

Why do some people kill others?

Why do some kill themselves?

Just thoughts that go through my mind... constantly worried about things and can't shut it off.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    4/3/2018

ANOTHER BAD DAY OR TRASHED

Another Bad Day or Trash

So much hurt inside.
When used and thrown aside.
Again I did the stupid thing, still wearing his stupid ring.

I believed your lies.
You can't even come look me in the eyes.
I will be there in a few, I promise you.

Knife in hand as tears roll down.
Knowing my heart let me down.
Will my heart ever learn, it cant have what it yearns?

Wishing I had my car to flee.
Maybe even run it into a tree.
It's easy to think of me with a neon sign flashing over me.

Hate myself today as it should be.
I don't even deserve to breathe.
Being stupid as always, waiting to be played.

Figures the knife is dull !

Written By: Heather Cole

                  07/10/2017

My Day Today

MY DAY TODAY

Today was a blah day. Did a lot of yard work today. Worked on a couple of barbed wire pieces and did some writing this evening. Lack of sleep last couple days has caught up to me I think I am finally tired. My medicines seem to be doing ok I guess. Anxiety really high, voices talking to me, mind racing and can't stop the thoughts today. Tomorrow is going to be better. I am going to go clean a house if I can get myself to drive in the morning. Have a good day everyone Good Night 

Heather Cole

3/30/2018

REALIZING

Realizing

Sitting one a bench with no place to go.

Just walked eight miles to make some dough.

The old man left with the rent.

Leaving me feeling spent.

Wondering what my life is for.

Feeling like a broke down whore.

The time spent chasing a dream for two.

Was wasted time I spent on you.

If I were lucky tomorrow would not start.

Then I wouldn't feel this broken heart.

So you had your thrills.

Leaving me to handle the bills.

Can you hear me yell ?

Telling you to go to hell.

Lost, alone and ready to breakdown.

The voices are ready to help me leave town.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/08/2017

So glad I made it through all that then. I almost didn't. I still struggle with it almost everyday but getting better. 

TO MY CHILDREN

To My Children

Laughing, smiling, faking happy while crying inside.
Looking at photos of days gone by.
Tears running down my face.
Trying to show some grace.
So many things I left behind.
Makes me cry whenever I see you.
To watch you grow from pictures of your past.
Lets me know my choice was not made too fast.
The day I signed it hurt so much.
I cried so hard that last touch.
I did what I thought was best for you both.
Hoping one day you both could see it was your only hope.
Never a day has gone by I didn't wonder.
If what I did was right for my youngsters.
I see the people you are today.
I think of a day.
Where we can talk and get to know.
Of our pasts and learn to grow.
To you both I hope for the best.
To follow your dreams and let God handle the rest.
Aim higher than I ever dreamed.
Just remember I am always on your team.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2017

CRAPPY PEP TALK

Crappy Pep Talk

Thoughts moving so fast

Can't keep hiding from the past.

The past will only keep you down

Let it out and lose that frown.

Once it's off your chest

You will finally get some rest.

Speak the words is what you must do

Once it's done you will feel new.

Or put down with pen and paper.

You will thank me later.

Written By: Heather Cole

                     11/2/2017

Well it's 5 am and I've had about 3 hours sleep. Can't seem to shut things off lately. So got up and decided to post a pep talk I wrote for myself. Hoping the rest of week goes better. Have a great day everyone.

Heather Cole

ENJOYING NEW CAMERA !

Enjoying New Camera

Enjoying my new camera. Photography is another way I manage my thinking. Have been having hard time the last couple weeks with not sleeping, anxiety and voices also. Most of these were taken around my rock garden at home.  Hope everyone enjoys these.

Have a great day everyone !

Photography By: Heather Cole

                             3/24/2018

To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern

I lost my best friend one day not long ago.

My love,

The last note to my song.

Turns out he was all wrong.

Now I pray to be strong and to be found again.

Someone to find me and give me a reason to be.

Someone to save me when all I see is darkness around me.

I will not be misled again.

I will not lose myself again.

I will not put them before me again.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/10/2017

Before The Lies

Before the Lies

What a lucky woman I am.

I found the sweetest man.

He has dreams and drive.

Can't wait to watch him thrive.

He has the biggest heart I've seen.

Just makes my heart scream.

His eyes carry me away to a dream.

To a day where we make it as a team.

The arms he wraps around me in bed.

Have stopped the voices in my head.

He has a mind and uses it well.

Makes me happy can't you tell.

The words flow out and make me think.

I may no longer be on the brink.

I'm always surprised by the things will say.

Makes my mind work more each day.

He lifts my spirit up so high.

Makes me proud to call him my guy.

He has brought out the part of me I thought was lost.

So I will forever try to keep him at any cost.

There is so much to say.

Maybe I will write more another day.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    5/7/2017

Found and Goodnight

Found

I've traveled coast to coast.

Searching as if you were a ghost.

When I thought all was lost.

Our paths finally crossed.

Meeting you has brought me peace.

I can finally feel at ease.

You bring me to myself.

The part of me hid on a back shelf.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    4/2017

Goodnight

The day has come to an end.

My body aches when I bend.

I seem to be on the mend.

My mind is calmed down.

I've almost lost my frown.

So time to put on a soft nightgown.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/21/2018