I'm Back

I'm Back

      I last blogged on August 31, 2018 and it's been a rough year.  So I'm going to start off where I left off.  Port O'Connor Texas ...

       My friend Larry and I decided to move in together in Port O'Connor. I just needed to get back to Arkansas, get packed, and get my meds back in me. 

      

         These photos were taken the day I left Port O'Connor. Both of us crying and he kept saying I wasn't coming back.  I told him I would be back soon and I wasn't going to be gone long.  We had been friends for so long and I was excited about coming back.  It wasn't long after I got to Arkansas that things started  to change.  Larry showed me a new side of him I never knew.  On NOVEMBER 10, 2018 I got a phone call from Larry's step dad.  He had found Larry when he came home, he had hung himself.  I beat myself up for not knowing or not trying hard enough.  I know now I couldn't have saved him.  Also there was so many things he had his from me. 

        So Larry dies and just my luck Ronnie my ex, who already destroyed me once before, came back into my life. Crazy me thought things would be different but they weren't. From November 2018 to May of 2019 Ronnie and I tried us again.   In the time we were together again I was homeless, alone, off medications again, and sending money to Ronnie in Oregon. Here is the poem I wrote for him just before he left.

Portland Bound

Got ok from shrink today.

Doctor said I can go home Yeah!

I look at the exit and I see,

His gorgeous face looking back at me.

All week long not able to see him.

How did he know I needed him again?

The doors opened up and my arms opened wide.

One long hug that melted me deep inside.

"Baby your smile is back.

Now go grab your backpack.

I was headed to Portland Oregon but come back.

I needed your happy face looking back at me."

Now a few days later and time to leave.

His ticket in hand, bags packed and fresh shave.

Inside I'm crying and hate today.

Reminding me I'll be on my way in a few days.

Poem by: Heather Cole

                   12/6/2018

I think this was a good start. Will post more about this last year tomorrow.   Here are few photos to enjoy.

         

First blog entry since May 9th

I'M NOT OK

It's been a while and sorry all. Right now I'm hiding in Texas. Been sick for months and not holding down much food. The voices told me I was being poisoned so I got off meds and away from everyone who could hurt me. Feeling some what better. Doctor said I'm not being poisoned but I don't believe it. I am refusing medications. I'm going to head back home Sunday morning even though I don't want to go. I'm sure the doctors want me on meds so they can poison me more. The voices have been louder here lately. Telling me to not go home. If my family has me committed then I will have to take them. So trying to find way not to go into hospital.

I've been writing alot more than usual and I think the voices inside are coming out more . My handwriting looks different from one poem to the next. I'm not remembering what I write.

Just before I left Arkansas on August 13th I had just finished my first driftwood art piece. I call it "The Duck Lamp" made it and the lampshade. Put it up for sale as a one of a kind functional art piece.

                     The Duck Lamp

Started as this...

Hope everyone likes it.  $300.00 lamp and lampshade.

I'm not crazy...

Heather Cole
8/31/2018

HIGH then LOW

HIGH...

A.M. 

Was out for little hike with little brother and feeling good. Was hurting and tired but felt good to talk and get some fresh air.

NOON

Headed back home and took some photos of different fungus and mushrooms. Then home again. Little later it was not so good.

Had a fire going and was so angry I wanted to throw myself on it. Everything was making me mad. I was pacing and crying. Hurting and tired too.

Why can't I be like everyone else in my family?

Going to bed now I hope to sleep.

Heather Cole

FORGIVING

Forgiving

What am I to do?

Been so long since I last saw you.

I'm surprised to see you right here.

I've got something you need to hear.

I remember the horrible things you said.

When drunk you would hit me instead.

The words have stuck with me all this time.

Tattooed on my brain each and every line.

The bruises may be gone from my skin.

But I remember each one of them.

I forgive you for all you did wrong.

Now I know I'm right where I belong.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    Jan. 2018

DRIVING

Driving

Driving down the road.

Trying to get the next payload.

Thoughts running through my mind.

Other drivers are so blind.

Cut me off into a ditch.

Damn you crazy bitch!

Almost there at last.

Looking in cars as I pass.

Getting nervous and the sweat pours.

Feel like I've been driving for hours.

Written By: Heather Cole

Photo By: Heather Cole

                   5/2017

TO DRINK

To Drink

I stop and think.
Why did i start to drink?
To forget the faces in my head.
Help me sleep.
Feel a touch without flinching.

Why did I get high the first time?
The drinks stopped working on my mind.
Became numb and able to cope.
To not see the faces that hurt me.
The dope gave me false hope.

Faces disappear.
When feeling no fear.
Later you realize the face never went away.
Only hiding waiting to come out and play.
Always a memory away.

Shutting people out.
Not giving people a chance.
The faces always haunting me.
Hiding and getting high all alone.
Trying so hard to make the faces be gone.

I'm getting ready in my own mind.
To leave the faces behind.

To end my life at the right time.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    5/2018

USED

Used

I'm not here for your amusement.

Emotionally I'm just spent.

Not knowing where I stand.

A stranger in a strange land.

What am I to you?

A piece of trash under your shoe?

You could do what ever.

I could do nothing whats so ever.

Taking advantage of my mental illness.

Knowing I couldn't handle much more stress.

Back on my meds and feeling stronger.

Won't be putting up with you much longer.

Done with your crap now.

I'm leaving today, RIGHT NOW !

Written By: Heather Cole

                  11/ 19/2017

ANOTHER BAD DAY OR TRASHED

Another Bad Day or Trash

So much hurt inside.
When used and thrown aside.
Again I did the stupid thing, still wearing his stupid ring.

I believed your lies.
You can't even come look me in the eyes.
I will be there in a few, I promise you.

Knife in hand as tears roll down.
Knowing my heart let me down.
Will my heart ever learn, it cant have what it yearns?

Wishing I had my car to flee.
Maybe even run it into a tree.
It's easy to think of me with a neon sign flashing over me.

Hate myself today as it should be.
I don't even deserve to breathe.
Being stupid as always, waiting to be played.

Figures the knife is dull !

Written By: Heather Cole

                  07/10/2017

My Day Today

MY DAY TODAY

Today was a blah day. Did a lot of yard work today. Worked on a couple of barbed wire pieces and did some writing this evening. Lack of sleep last couple days has caught up to me I think I am finally tired. My medicines seem to be doing ok I guess. Anxiety really high, voices talking to me, mind racing and can't stop the thoughts today. Tomorrow is going to be better. I am going to go clean a house if I can get myself to drive in the morning. Have a good day everyone Good Night 

Heather Cole

3/30/2018

REALIZING

Realizing

Sitting one a bench with no place to go.

Just walked eight miles to make some dough.

The old man left with the rent.

Leaving me feeling spent.

Wondering what my life is for.

Feeling like a broke down whore.

The time spent chasing a dream for two.

Was wasted time I spent on you.

If I were lucky tomorrow would not start.

Then I wouldn't feel this broken heart.

So you had your thrills.

Leaving me to handle the bills.

Can you hear me yell ?

Telling you to go to hell.

Lost, alone and ready to breakdown.

The voices are ready to help me leave town.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/08/2017

So glad I made it through all that then. I almost didn't. I still struggle with it almost everyday but getting better. 

Rescued Baby Bunnies

RESCUED BABY BUNNIES

Well my brother saved 2 little baby bunnies this weekend from a snake. They are to cute and they are doing great. Eyes just opened up Sunday morning.

Beautiful Day

BEAUTIFUL DAY

It was a beautiful day yesterday and I got one good photo out of it. It was a day for thinking. Voices trying to creep in again. Not leaving home just wondering in the woods lately. Headed away from house for first time in while to go clean a house. I will post more later on. Have a crazy day all !!

Heather Cole  3/13/2018

Happy And Scared

Happy And Scared

Today I finally let things slip away.

I never thought I would see this day.

All the pain that hurt for so long.

With it gone I can finally move on.

Voices screamed in the past.

They have been silenced at last.

Finally saying things out loud.

Makes me feel nervous and proud.

No longer wanting to be the scared little girl.

I feel I can almost take on the world.

No more hiding and running away.

Just looking forward to each new day.

To think all I needed to do.

Was let it all out to you.

Written By: Heather Cole

                     3/2017

STUPID

Stupid

Anger is coming out today.

Go ahead! Lets Play!

Wasting time chasing cash.

All for some dumb ass.

Ive always been there to help you out.

Then I have to go without.

So no more being nice to you punk.

When I see you I'm throwing you in my trunk.

A woman tagging along.

You have it all wrong.

I think like you in many ways.

I still remember the good old days.

I'm older and wiser than your ass.

You have wasted your only free pass.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    6/17

The Many

The Many

Blitzed and dazed.

Still not fazed.

Living in this messed up maze.

Go! Run!

Still left alone with my thoughts.

Upset because of the pain you brought.

What else will life put in my way?

Go! Run!

What did you say?

Don't fear dear.

Its just me, another you right here.

I'm here to help you with your fear.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/5/18

This is unfinished but will post a better version later.

Wanting Silence

Wanting Silence

Silence...even just for a few moments.

Silence...from all their arguments.

All crammed into my head at one time.

Slowly making me lose my mind.

One by one over time they come about.

Claiming to be helping me out.

Every time I could not cope.

They would give me a false sense of hope.

Hiding me away deep inside.

So they could deal with the outside.

So please a little silence while I they sleep.

Silence so I can take a peek.

Just to see if its safe for me.

Or if I should just let them help me.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/4/17

Other Ways To Cope

OTHER WAYS TO COPE

I love writing but also enjoy other forms of art. Each form helps in its own way.

All of these are made of barbed wire. Very relaxing but also hurts lol. What you all think?

Who I am

Who I Am

At times I have thought

Man I have done a lot

Hitchhiking all over the states

Hoping to find my place

Seeing all the sites around me

Feeling what it was like to be free

Meeting so many people along the way

I still talk to some of them today

At times I would be amazed at what I was seeing

Knowing only God could create something this amazing

Fields upon fields of sunflowers were a sight

On the beach listening to the sea talk to me late one night

Camping in an open field under millions of stars

Even on a deserted highway not hearing any cars

All these and so many more in my memories

Have made me who I come to be

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2/12/18

Curiosity

Curiosity

I am always making lists for everything. Things I need to do for the day, things I need from store, mental notes that change constantly, and for whatever reason I can come up with for a list. So here is another list. Kind of sad list but was on a bad day as usual.


What my last words might be...

1. I had a blast all !
2. Its been nice.
3. Time to go.
4. Wonder if I am going to Heaven?
5. Wish I could have kept love.
6. Sorry if I was not there for you.
7. So much left I wanted to do.
8. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you.
9. This is not what I expected in the end.
10. I wish I had not felt rejected.
11. Bad memories are almost gone finally.
12. The voices can no longer hurt me.
13. I was scared and saw no other choice.
14. No one could hear my inner voice.
15. This life is finally over.
16. I never figured life out.
17. Don't cry please.
18. My mind has finally stopped hurting me.
19. I will always miss my family.
20. I just got tired of being tough.
21. I knew this would happen one day.
22. I'm sorry I hope you will understand one day.
23. This hurts to much wish I had done something else.
24. One more shot bartender please.
25. One..two..three..JUMP
26. Peace at last !
27. Man that was fun wasn't it?
28. Hold my hand.
29. I don't want to die this way.
30. I should have said more.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/1/2018

Can't

Can't

Feeling alone

Cant rest I must roam

Searching for something that's not there

Talking to voices that don't care

Feeling myself slowly slipping away

More of me dying each day

Alone face soaked in tears

No one noticed I disappeared

Living in fear

I cant stay here

Written By: Heather Cole

                    10/17