JUST THINKING

Just Thinking

What makes us think?

Why do people drink?

How much time is left for us?

Why do people want love?

How did the kiss get started?

What if the world just stop spinning?

What is the meaning of life?

What if the moon disappeared?

Or the reason why some people are lost?

Do they know where they are?

Then are they really lost at all?

Is fake really real?

Why are women pictured in dresses?

Why do some crave chaos and clutter?

How do two people make it work?

Why do we pray?

Why are most buildings shaped the same way?

Why do you see just one shoe along the highway?

Why one and not two?

Why am I wired different than others?

Why do some people kill others?

Why do some kill themselves?

Just thoughts that go through my mind... constantly worried about things and can't shut it off.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    4/3/2018

TO MY CHILDREN

To My Children

Laughing, smiling, faking happy while crying inside.
Looking at photos of days gone by.
Tears running down my face.
Trying to show some grace.
So many things I left behind.
Makes me cry whenever I see you.
To watch you grow from pictures of your past.
Lets me know my choice was not made too fast.
The day I signed it hurt so much.
I cried so hard that last touch.
I did what I thought was best for you both.
Hoping one day you both could see it was your only hope.
Never a day has gone by I didn't wonder.
If what I did was right for my youngsters.
I see the people you are today.
I think of a day.
Where we can talk and get to know.
Of our pasts and learn to grow.
To you both I hope for the best.
To follow your dreams and let God handle the rest.
Aim higher than I ever dreamed.
Just remember I am always on your team.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2017

CRAPPY PEP TALK

Crappy Pep Talk

Thoughts moving so fast

Can't keep hiding from the past.

The past will only keep you down

Let it out and lose that frown.

Once it's off your chest

You will finally get some rest.

Speak the words is what you must do

Once it's done you will feel new.

Or put down with pen and paper.

You will thank me later.

Written By: Heather Cole

                     11/2/2017

Well it's 5 am and I've had about 3 hours sleep. Can't seem to shut things off lately. So got up and decided to post a pep talk I wrote for myself. Hoping the rest of week goes better. Have a great day everyone.

Heather Cole

To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern

I lost my best friend one day not long ago.

My love,

The last note to my song.

Turns out he was all wrong.

Now I pray to be strong and to be found again.

Someone to find me and give me a reason to be.

Someone to save me when all I see is darkness around me.

I will not be misled again.

I will not lose myself again.

I will not put them before me again.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/10/2017

Before The Lies

Before the Lies

What a lucky woman I am.

I found the sweetest man.

He has dreams and drive.

Can't wait to watch him thrive.

He has the biggest heart I've seen.

Just makes my heart scream.

His eyes carry me away to a dream.

To a day where we make it as a team.

The arms he wraps around me in bed.

Have stopped the voices in my head.

He has a mind and uses it well.

Makes me happy can't you tell.

The words flow out and make me think.

I may no longer be on the brink.

I'm always surprised by the things will say.

Makes my mind work more each day.

He lifts my spirit up so high.

Makes me proud to call him my guy.

He has brought out the part of me I thought was lost.

So I will forever try to keep him at any cost.

There is so much to say.

Maybe I will write more another day.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    5/7/2017

Found and Goodnight

Found

I've traveled coast to coast.

Searching as if you were a ghost.

When I thought all was lost.

Our paths finally crossed.

Meeting you has brought me peace.

I can finally feel at ease.

You bring me to myself.

The part of me hid on a back shelf.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    4/2017

Goodnight

The day has come to an end.

My body aches when I bend.

I seem to be on the mend.

My mind is calmed down.

I've almost lost my frown.

So time to put on a soft nightgown.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/21/2018

Open Up

Open Up

I see you looking at me sometimes.

Makes me wonder whats on your mind.

I know I can be hard to read at times.

Just remember I'm just learning this open mind.

I've been told I was not worth the time.

For so long I had to quiet my mind.

I'm finally able to see.

What I've been hiding inside of me.

I feel it coming in a shout.

The words have begun to flow out.

It may take some time but you will see.

I will bring out the voices inside of me.

So just a Thank You for being able to set my mind free.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/20/2018

That Feeling

That Feeling

That feeling you get

When you take your first hit.

Trying to find something

You can't ever get again.

Losing yourself

For only a bit.

Forget your memories

Forget your dreams.

Forget your lost childhood.

Forget it all !

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/14/2018

Beginning Again

Beginning Again

Today I started a new view.

Things seem so different and new.

I'm still the same person you see.

I'm just showing a new side of me.

Always there but tucked away.

To scared to speak afraid of what they might say.

Finally able to speak my mind.

For many my words won't be kind

Written By: Heather Cole

                    10/1/2017

Beautiful Day

BEAUTIFUL DAY

It was a beautiful day yesterday and I got one good photo out of it. It was a day for thinking. Voices trying to creep in again. Not leaving home just wondering in the woods lately. Headed away from house for first time in while to go clean a house. I will post more later on. Have a crazy day all !!

Heather Cole  3/13/2018

Happy And Scared

Happy And Scared

Today I finally let things slip away.

I never thought I would see this day.

All the pain that hurt for so long.

With it gone I can finally move on.

Voices screamed in the past.

They have been silenced at last.

Finally saying things out loud.

Makes me feel nervous and proud.

No longer wanting to be the scared little girl.

I feel I can almost take on the world.

No more hiding and running away.

Just looking forward to each new day.

To think all I needed to do.

Was let it all out to you.

Written By: Heather Cole

                     3/2017

STUPID

Stupid

Anger is coming out today.

Go ahead! Lets Play!

Wasting time chasing cash.

All for some dumb ass.

Ive always been there to help you out.

Then I have to go without.

So no more being nice to you punk.

When I see you I'm throwing you in my trunk.

A woman tagging along.

You have it all wrong.

I think like you in many ways.

I still remember the good old days.

I'm older and wiser than your ass.

You have wasted your only free pass.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    6/17

So tired

SO TIRED

Its been s couple nights since I have had some good sleep. I am still taking  my meds but when you have a negative person constantly making you feel like your going nuts its not easy. I live with my mom for now and her ex boyfriend is here also. Hes a piece of trash. He is one of those people who will look at you and give you a compliment and at same time he is letting you know he dont like you and your useless. I swear he has been talking under his breath around me. At first I thought it was the voices in my head coming back. While I was cleaning up kitchen last night all he did was complain about me being useless and lazy. Then he sat there and told me if it wasnt for him I would still be homeless. Telling me he takled mom into letting me come back home. Not 5 minutes later he is saying how difficult its been for him to be nice to me. WTF. I started packing a bag last night to hit the road again. between him and the voices picking on me I just want to be away from them.  I spent most of my year last year on the road running because I thought people were trying to kill me. It was a hard year not talking to my mom or my brothers much. Im glad I made it but some people just make it hard.

Ok I am done ranting right now. Time to sit down with my sketch pad and calm my mind. Have a blessed day everyone.

Heather Cole
3/5/2018

Wanting Silence

Wanting Silence

Silence...even just for a few moments.

Silence...from all their arguments.

All crammed into my head at one time.

Slowly making me lose my mind.

One by one over time they come about.

Claiming to be helping me out.

Every time I could not cope.

They would give me a false sense of hope.

Hiding me away deep inside.

So they could deal with the outside.

So please a little silence while I they sleep.

Silence so I can take a peek.

Just to see if its safe for me.

Or if I should just let them help me.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/4/17

Curiosity

Curiosity

I am always making lists for everything. Things I need to do for the day, things I need from store, mental notes that change constantly, and for whatever reason I can come up with for a list. So here is another list. Kind of sad list but was on a bad day as usual.


What my last words might be...

1. I had a blast all !
2. Its been nice.
3. Time to go.
4. Wonder if I am going to Heaven?
5. Wish I could have kept love.
6. Sorry if I was not there for you.
7. So much left I wanted to do.
8. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you.
9. This is not what I expected in the end.
10. I wish I had not felt rejected.
11. Bad memories are almost gone finally.
12. The voices can no longer hurt me.
13. I was scared and saw no other choice.
14. No one could hear my inner voice.
15. This life is finally over.
16. I never figured life out.
17. Don't cry please.
18. My mind has finally stopped hurting me.
19. I will always miss my family.
20. I just got tired of being tough.
21. I knew this would happen one day.
22. I'm sorry I hope you will understand one day.
23. This hurts to much wish I had done something else.
24. One more shot bartender please.
25. One..two..three..JUMP
26. Peace at last !
27. Man that was fun wasn't it?
28. Hold my hand.
29. I don't want to die this way.
30. I should have said more.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/1/2018

Goodbye 2017

Goodbye 2017

Goodbye 2017 you were the year of tears

Showing me so much fear

The ups and downs were not easy

Hearing voices in my head tease me

The awesome boyfriend seemed a good fit

Instead his crazy ideas put me through quite a bit

Everything is etched in my memory

The voices, being lost, the lies and jealousy

Doing things I would not normally do

Just barely making it through

The paranoia pounded in my head

Convincing me someone wanted me dead

So much chaos made my mind unclear

Making the voices easier to hear

For a moment everything seemed within reach

Then all the sudden homeless on a beach

Having to go through so much

I began to lose touch

The loss I felt in September

Is something I will always remember

To scared to call home

I spent the year feeling lost and alone

So goodbye 2017 you are in the past

Time to stop the voices and rest at last

Written By: Heather Cole

                    12/31/17

Praying

Praying

Thinking one day

When was the last time I prayed

I forgot when

So I decided to pray right then

God, I hope your listening to what I say

Please help me each day

Free me from these voices in my mind

They have been so unkind

Take away all this pain I feel

Please God help me heal

As I finished I could feel the release

My mind was calm, body more at ease

Thank you God its nice to speak again

I've always known you are my friend

AMEN

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/5/2017

How Many?

How Many?

I'm so tired of hearing her whine and complain

Such a bore and pretty lame

Hiding her is so much fun for me

You will see

She is always wearing a frown

Always writing her sadness down

Hiding her is a chance to come out and play

To smile my day away

I keep things going smoothly

Making sure all of us are happy

I keep us calmed down

Making sure we stick around

What about me?

I'm stronger you can see

The others have nothing on me

Hear that? 

Here's our chance

Come sing with me

Sing some Me and Bobby McGee

Written By: Heather Cole

                     2/21/18

Things I Miss

THINGS I MISS

Hello everyone

So while I have been sick with this flu and have hurt my back sneezing and coughing. I have had time to think about things I have been missing. So as I always do I made a list.

1. Safety
2. Family
3. My mind
4. A car
5. A friend nearby
6. Feeling free
7. Love
8. Home
9. A job
10. Being wanted
11. Feeling needed
12. A touch
13. A voice
14. My children
15. My childhood
16. Smiling 
17. Laughing
18. A first kiss
19. Silence in my head
20. The ocean

Im sure I will ad more to this list someday but for now it is what it is. Now maybe I can get some rest tonight we will see.

Heather Cole

Multiple Voices

Multiple Voices

Around and around I go.

My mind it never slows.

Always thinking at a fast pace.

Always moving as if in a race.

Keeping busy helps ease my mind.

Keeps me from listening to voices that are so unkind.

They started again the other day.

I'm trying hard not to listen to them today.

Telling me I'm all alone.

No one wants me at home.

Run away now or else we will come out.

Then they will see what your all about.

Your broken and used.

You have been abused.

No one would want to be around you.

The sad, sick and twisted you.

Your broken and have no spine.

You have been told over and over through time.

The abuse makes you feel alive.

It seems it's the only way you seem to thrive.

You see it don't you now?

You have come to love the abuse any how.

Loved it so much it was the only way.

Blind folded with nothing to say.

Quit looking at me! Why do you stare?

I know there is something wrong up there.

I know I'm unworthy of even a glance.

Not worth the time not even for one chance.

You would only be wasting your time.

I'm sure you wouldn't like my kind.

I've been broken to pieces and cant be fixed.

So go on find another better than this.

I go to bed and often cry myself to sleep.

Piled up in a big heap.

I've accepted my life and want to be left alone.

I don't deserve anyone to call my own.

As I write these words out of my head.

I really wish sometimes I was dead.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    Jan. 7, 2018

This might change at some point. I like it but its not right yet.