HAVING A BAD DAY

Having a Bad Day 

Today has been one of those days. I had a cat rescue to clean this morning and all I could do is cry off and on. Just sad, angry, tired, and worried about everything. This is one of the worse days I have had in while. I even thought about drinking my bottle of Even Williams but changed my mind. It would only make my thoughts worse not better. Mom asked if I took my meds and I did take them. My 12 year old niece wanted to know what was wrong and I couldn't explain it to her. She doesn't understand why I am different than I was before the voices started again and the paranoia. I ran so much last year and hid from people I thought were trying to kill me. The voices didn't help much either. Being homeless and alone was really hard and to scared to call home. I thought my family didn't love me and would be better off if I was dead. I am about to take meds and go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be better I hope.

Living the best I can and so should everyone else.

Heather Cole

DRIVING

Driving

Driving down the road.

Trying to get the next payload.

Thoughts running through my mind.

Other drivers are so blind.

Cut me off into a ditch.

Damn you crazy bitch!

Almost there at last.

Looking in cars as I pass.

Getting nervous and the sweat pours.

Feel like I've been driving for hours.

Written By: Heather Cole

Photo By: Heather Cole

                   5/2017

TO DRINK

To Drink

I stop and think.
Why did i start to drink?
To forget the faces in my head.
Help me sleep.
Feel a touch without flinching.

Why did I get high the first time?
The drinks stopped working on my mind.
Became numb and able to cope.
To not see the faces that hurt me.
The dope gave me false hope.

Faces disappear.
When feeling no fear.
Later you realize the face never went away.
Only hiding waiting to come out and play.
Always a memory away.

Shutting people out.
Not giving people a chance.
The faces always haunting me.
Hiding and getting high all alone.
Trying so hard to make the faces be gone.

I'm getting ready in my own mind.
To leave the faces behind.

To end my life at the right time.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    5/2018

Lost Then Found

Lost Then Found

This is a barbed wire tree I had done a little over a year ago. It wasn't finished and then I got lost again. Hearing voices and running from things I am not sure were really after me. It all started when my boyfriend at the time stole my car and took from Arkansas to Mississippi. He kept telling me he was coming home soon. I tried to report it stolen and police said since he was my boyfriend and we lived together I couldn't file charges because I let him use the car. The car had been gone few days by then. Little did I know he had the car stolen from him by the woman he went to Mississippi to save. After 14 days I finally tracked down my car. Sold everything we owned and found ride down to Mississippi to file charges. Car was totaled, courts would only issue warrant for joy riding and damages, and I was trying to figure out way to get him and her charged. That is when I lost my mind again.

This is the same tree. I call it  Lost Then Found.  Everything on this tree has been found while clearing 3 acres of land at my moms here in Arkansas. I am taking my meds and feeling better for the most part. I am still hearing voices and having problems leaving house but I am trying. I work 5 days a week for about 3 hours a day. I clean 2 different cat rescues that I do alone and don't have to worry about people or noises bothering me. High pitched sounds for some reason make me angry and sudden loud sounds scare me. I would rather stay home and work on artwork and out in yard instead of deal with people.

Today I went with my best friend Rusty to have a burger and a beer for dinner. We went to local bar I used to hang out at often. We ate and drank a beer. Wasn't long and I was ready to go though. The people playing pool were getting loud and more people were coming in. Started getting scared, trying to figure out best way to get out of there if someone were to try and get me. The voices started telling me I had to go, I wasn't safe, they would kill me. So very happy my friend didn't mind taking me home so soon. Feeling safe and secure right now.

Well have a great day all. Time to work on more of yard and couple of art pieces.

Heather Cole

4/7/2018

Photos and Art By: Heather Cole

USED

Used

I'm not here for your amusement.

Emotionally I'm just spent.

Not knowing where I stand.

A stranger in a strange land.

What am I to you?

A piece of trash under your shoe?

You could do what ever.

I could do nothing whats so ever.

Taking advantage of my mental illness.

Knowing I couldn't handle much more stress.

Back on my meds and feeling stronger.

Won't be putting up with you much longer.

Done with your crap now.

I'm leaving today, RIGHT NOW !

Written By: Heather Cole

                  11/ 19/2017

JUST THINKING

Just Thinking

What makes us think?

Why do people drink?

How much time is left for us?

Why do people want love?

How did the kiss get started?

What if the world just stop spinning?

What is the meaning of life?

What if the moon disappeared?

Or the reason why some people are lost?

Do they know where they are?

Then are they really lost at all?

Is fake really real?

Why are women pictured in dresses?

Why do some crave chaos and clutter?

How do two people make it work?

Why do we pray?

Why are most buildings shaped the same way?

Why do you see just one shoe along the highway?

Why one and not two?

Why am I wired different than others?

Why do some people kill others?

Why do some kill themselves?

Just thoughts that go through my mind... constantly worried about things and can't shut it off.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    4/3/2018

ANOTHER BAD DAY OR TRASHED

Another Bad Day or Trash

So much hurt inside.
When used and thrown aside.
Again I did the stupid thing, still wearing his stupid ring.

I believed your lies.
You can't even come look me in the eyes.
I will be there in a few, I promise you.

Knife in hand as tears roll down.
Knowing my heart let me down.
Will my heart ever learn, it cant have what it yearns?

Wishing I had my car to flee.
Maybe even run it into a tree.
It's easy to think of me with a neon sign flashing over me.

Hate myself today as it should be.
I don't even deserve to breathe.
Being stupid as always, waiting to be played.

Figures the knife is dull !

Written By: Heather Cole

                  07/10/2017

My Day Today

MY DAY TODAY

Today was a blah day. Did a lot of yard work today. Worked on a couple of barbed wire pieces and did some writing this evening. Lack of sleep last couple days has caught up to me I think I am finally tired. My medicines seem to be doing ok I guess. Anxiety really high, voices talking to me, mind racing and can't stop the thoughts today. Tomorrow is going to be better. I am going to go clean a house if I can get myself to drive in the morning. Have a good day everyone Good Night 

Heather Cole

3/30/2018

REALIZING

Realizing

Sitting one a bench with no place to go.

Just walked eight miles to make some dough.

The old man left with the rent.

Leaving me feeling spent.

Wondering what my life is for.

Feeling like a broke down whore.

The time spent chasing a dream for two.

Was wasted time I spent on you.

If I were lucky tomorrow would not start.

Then I wouldn't feel this broken heart.

So you had your thrills.

Leaving me to handle the bills.

Can you hear me yell ?

Telling you to go to hell.

Lost, alone and ready to breakdown.

The voices are ready to help me leave town.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/08/2017

So glad I made it through all that then. I almost didn't. I still struggle with it almost everyday but getting better. 

TO MY CHILDREN

To My Children

Laughing, smiling, faking happy while crying inside.
Looking at photos of days gone by.
Tears running down my face.
Trying to show some grace.
So many things I left behind.
Makes me cry whenever I see you.
To watch you grow from pictures of your past.
Lets me know my choice was not made too fast.
The day I signed it hurt so much.
I cried so hard that last touch.
I did what I thought was best for you both.
Hoping one day you both could see it was your only hope.
Never a day has gone by I didn't wonder.
If what I did was right for my youngsters.
I see the people you are today.
I think of a day.
Where we can talk and get to know.
Of our pasts and learn to grow.
To you both I hope for the best.
To follow your dreams and let God handle the rest.
Aim higher than I ever dreamed.
Just remember I am always on your team.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2017

CRAPPY PEP TALK

Crappy Pep Talk

Thoughts moving so fast

Can't keep hiding from the past.

The past will only keep you down

Let it out and lose that frown.

Once it's off your chest

You will finally get some rest.

Speak the words is what you must do

Once it's done you will feel new.

Or put down with pen and paper.

You will thank me later.

Written By: Heather Cole

                     11/2/2017

Well it's 5 am and I've had about 3 hours sleep. Can't seem to shut things off lately. So got up and decided to post a pep talk I wrote for myself. Hoping the rest of week goes better. Have a great day everyone.

Heather Cole

ENJOYING NEW CAMERA !

Enjoying New Camera

Enjoying my new camera. Photography is another way I manage my thinking. Have been having hard time the last couple weeks with not sleeping, anxiety and voices also. Most of these were taken around my rock garden at home.  Hope everyone enjoys these.

Have a great day everyone !

Photography By: Heather Cole

                             3/24/2018

To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern

I lost my best friend one day not long ago.

My love,

The last note to my song.

Turns out he was all wrong.

Now I pray to be strong and to be found again.

Someone to find me and give me a reason to be.

Someone to save me when all I see is darkness around me.

I will not be misled again.

I will not lose myself again.

I will not put them before me again.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/10/2017

Before The Lies

Before the Lies

What a lucky woman I am.

I found the sweetest man.

He has dreams and drive.

Can't wait to watch him thrive.

He has the biggest heart I've seen.

Just makes my heart scream.

His eyes carry me away to a dream.

To a day where we make it as a team.

The arms he wraps around me in bed.

Have stopped the voices in my head.

He has a mind and uses it well.

Makes me happy can't you tell.

The words flow out and make me think.

I may no longer be on the brink.

I'm always surprised by the things will say.

Makes my mind work more each day.

He lifts my spirit up so high.

Makes me proud to call him my guy.

He has brought out the part of me I thought was lost.

So I will forever try to keep him at any cost.

There is so much to say.

Maybe I will write more another day.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    5/7/2017

Found and Goodnight

Found

I've traveled coast to coast.

Searching as if you were a ghost.

When I thought all was lost.

Our paths finally crossed.

Meeting you has brought me peace.

I can finally feel at ease.

You bring me to myself.

The part of me hid on a back shelf.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    4/2017

Goodnight

The day has come to an end.

My body aches when I bend.

I seem to be on the mend.

My mind is calmed down.

I've almost lost my frown.

So time to put on a soft nightgown.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/21/2018

Open Up

Open Up

I see you looking at me sometimes.

Makes me wonder whats on your mind.

I know I can be hard to read at times.

Just remember I'm just learning this open mind.

I've been told I was not worth the time.

For so long I had to quiet my mind.

I'm finally able to see.

What I've been hiding inside of me.

I feel it coming in a shout.

The words have begun to flow out.

It may take some time but you will see.

I will bring out the voices inside of me.

So just a Thank You for being able to set my mind free.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/20/2018

Rescued Baby Bunnies

RESCUED BABY BUNNIES

Well my brother saved 2 little baby bunnies this weekend from a snake. They are to cute and they are doing great. Eyes just opened up Sunday morning.

That Feeling

That Feeling

That feeling you get

When you take your first hit.

Trying to find something

You can't ever get again.

Losing yourself

For only a bit.

Forget your memories

Forget your dreams.

Forget your lost childhood.

Forget it all !

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/14/2018

Beginning Again

Beginning Again

Today I started a new view.

Things seem so different and new.

I'm still the same person you see.

I'm just showing a new side of me.

Always there but tucked away.

To scared to speak afraid of what they might say.

Finally able to speak my mind.

For many my words won't be kind

Written By: Heather Cole

                    10/1/2017

Beautiful Day

BEAUTIFUL DAY

It was a beautiful day yesterday and I got one good photo out of it. It was a day for thinking. Voices trying to creep in again. Not leaving home just wondering in the woods lately. Headed away from house for first time in while to go clean a house. I will post more later on. Have a crazy day all !!

Heather Cole  3/13/2018

Happy And Scared

Happy And Scared

Today I finally let things slip away.

I never thought I would see this day.

All the pain that hurt for so long.

With it gone I can finally move on.

Voices screamed in the past.

They have been silenced at last.

Finally saying things out loud.

Makes me feel nervous and proud.

No longer wanting to be the scared little girl.

I feel I can almost take on the world.

No more hiding and running away.

Just looking forward to each new day.

To think all I needed to do.

Was let it all out to you.

Written By: Heather Cole

                     3/2017

Giving wood art a try.

GIVING WOOD ART A TRY

So as I have been out walking on the property where I live, I have noticed old trees rotting. Tree limbs, stumps, whole trees and as I look at them I see they can become something else. So here I go on something to occupy my mind.

Dancer

Moose

Evil face

I will post as I finish them. Should be interesting.

Heather Cole

STUPID

Stupid

Anger is coming out today.

Go ahead! Lets Play!

Wasting time chasing cash.

All for some dumb ass.

Ive always been there to help you out.

Then I have to go without.

So no more being nice to you punk.

When I see you I'm throwing you in my trunk.

A woman tagging along.

You have it all wrong.

I think like you in many ways.

I still remember the good old days.

I'm older and wiser than your ass.

You have wasted your only free pass.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    6/17

The Many

The Many

Blitzed and dazed.

Still not fazed.

Living in this messed up maze.

Go! Run!

Still left alone with my thoughts.

Upset because of the pain you brought.

What else will life put in my way?

Go! Run!

What did you say?

Don't fear dear.

Its just me, another you right here.

I'm here to help you with your fear.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/5/18

This is unfinished but will post a better version later.

Seeing

Seeing

Seeing you, seeing me.

Can you see us by the sea?

On a boat catching fish?

Or a fountain making a wish?

Anything is possible if you can imagine.

Great things can really happen.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    11/17

So tired

SO TIRED

Its been s couple nights since I have had some good sleep. I am still taking  my meds but when you have a negative person constantly making you feel like your going nuts its not easy. I live with my mom for now and her ex boyfriend is here also. Hes a piece of trash. He is one of those people who will look at you and give you a compliment and at same time he is letting you know he dont like you and your useless. I swear he has been talking under his breath around me. At first I thought it was the voices in my head coming back. While I was cleaning up kitchen last night all he did was complain about me being useless and lazy. Then he sat there and told me if it wasnt for him I would still be homeless. Telling me he takled mom into letting me come back home. Not 5 minutes later he is saying how difficult its been for him to be nice to me. WTF. I started packing a bag last night to hit the road again. between him and the voices picking on me I just want to be away from them.  I spent most of my year last year on the road running because I thought people were trying to kill me. It was a hard year not talking to my mom or my brothers much. Im glad I made it but some people just make it hard.

Ok I am done ranting right now. Time to sit down with my sketch pad and calm my mind. Have a blessed day everyone.

Heather Cole
3/5/2018

Wanting Silence

Wanting Silence

Silence...even just for a few moments.

Silence...from all their arguments.

All crammed into my head at one time.

Slowly making me lose my mind.

One by one over time they come about.

Claiming to be helping me out.

Every time I could not cope.

They would give me a false sense of hope.

Hiding me away deep inside.

So they could deal with the outside.

So please a little silence while I they sleep.

Silence so I can take a peek.

Just to see if its safe for me.

Or if I should just let them help me.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/4/17

Other Ways To Cope

OTHER WAYS TO COPE

I love writing but also enjoy other forms of art. Each form helps in its own way.

All of these are made of barbed wire. Very relaxing but also hurts lol. What you all think?

Who I am

Who I Am

At times I have thought

Man I have done a lot

Hitchhiking all over the states

Hoping to find my place

Seeing all the sites around me

Feeling what it was like to be free

Meeting so many people along the way

I still talk to some of them today

At times I would be amazed at what I was seeing

Knowing only God could create something this amazing

Fields upon fields of sunflowers were a sight

On the beach listening to the sea talk to me late one night

Camping in an open field under millions of stars

Even on a deserted highway not hearing any cars

All these and so many more in my memories

Have made me who I come to be

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2/12/18

Curiosity

Curiosity

I am always making lists for everything. Things I need to do for the day, things I need from store, mental notes that change constantly, and for whatever reason I can come up with for a list. So here is another list. Kind of sad list but was on a bad day as usual.


What my last words might be...

1. I had a blast all !
2. Its been nice.
3. Time to go.
4. Wonder if I am going to Heaven?
5. Wish I could have kept love.
6. Sorry if I was not there for you.
7. So much left I wanted to do.
8. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you.
9. This is not what I expected in the end.
10. I wish I had not felt rejected.
11. Bad memories are almost gone finally.
12. The voices can no longer hurt me.
13. I was scared and saw no other choice.
14. No one could hear my inner voice.
15. This life is finally over.
16. I never figured life out.
17. Don't cry please.
18. My mind has finally stopped hurting me.
19. I will always miss my family.
20. I just got tired of being tough.
21. I knew this would happen one day.
22. I'm sorry I hope you will understand one day.
23. This hurts to much wish I had done something else.
24. One more shot bartender please.
25. One..two..three..JUMP
26. Peace at last !
27. Man that was fun wasn't it?
28. Hold my hand.
29. I don't want to die this way.
30. I should have said more.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    3/1/2018

Can't

Can't

Feeling alone

Cant rest I must roam

Searching for something that's not there

Talking to voices that don't care

Feeling myself slowly slipping away

More of me dying each day

Alone face soaked in tears

No one noticed I disappeared

Living in fear

I cant stay here

Written By: Heather Cole

                    10/17

In A Dream

In A Dream

Once in a dream

I saw a girl by a stream

She looked so sad to me

And her face I could not see

Picturing her tear soaked face

Wanting to give her a big embrace

Moving in closer for a better look

She was writing in a book

As I moved closer she looked sadly at me

That's when I saw she was really me

Written By: Heather Cole

                    1/7/18

Can Anyone Hear Me?

Can Anyone Hear Me?

Can anyone hear me?

Please someone listen.

I feel no one hears me at all.

Trying to tell them I am about to fall.

It cant only bet the voices in my head.

They hear me say I want to be dead. 

They are creeping up in my mind again.

Don't let them hurt me my friend.

I cant be like you or anyone else.

Trying so hard to not be myself.

I've had it, I just don't care.

Do you hear me out there?

The voices are trying to hurt me.

Don't you hear my pleas?

I wish you could hear the words that they say.

Then maybe you would understand why I am this way.

I don't want to hurt myself. Stop them please.

I don't want to die make them stop! Please!

Can you hear me?

Help me please!

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2/27/18

Sleepy

Sleepy

So sleepy I can barely see.

Just want to get comfy.

Pull back the blanket and the sheet.

Fluff my pillows nice and neat.

Get snuggled in and warm my feet.

Eyes getting heavier its time I sleep.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2/23/18

Having a pretty good day. Not feeling so sad or lonely. Nice to right something kinda cute and funny. Have a good night everyone. 

Hair Today

Hair Today

Two hair ties ready to use

Deciding on which hair-do

Leave it down flowing all over the place

Or up in a bun showing my face

Maybe a pony tail will do the trick

Man my hair is getting thick

Let me see

Two pig tails it will be

See nothing wrong with me today

I'm having a good hair day

Written By: Heather Cole

                    2/2018

Goodbye 2017

Goodbye 2017

Goodbye 2017 you were the year of tears

Showing me so much fear

The ups and downs were not easy

Hearing voices in my head tease me

The awesome boyfriend seemed a good fit

Instead his crazy ideas put me through quite a bit

Everything is etched in my memory

The voices, being lost, the lies and jealousy

Doing things I would not normally do

Just barely making it through

The paranoia pounded in my head

Convincing me someone wanted me dead

So much chaos made my mind unclear

Making the voices easier to hear

For a moment everything seemed within reach

Then all the sudden homeless on a beach

Having to go through so much

I began to lose touch

The loss I felt in September

Is something I will always remember

To scared to call home

I spent the year feeling lost and alone

So goodbye 2017 you are in the past

Time to stop the voices and rest at last

Written By: Heather Cole

                    12/31/17

Praying

Praying

Thinking one day

When was the last time I prayed

I forgot when

So I decided to pray right then

God, I hope your listening to what I say

Please help me each day

Free me from these voices in my mind

They have been so unkind

Take away all this pain I feel

Please God help me heal

As I finished I could feel the release

My mind was calm, body more at ease

Thank you God its nice to speak again

I've always known you are my friend

AMEN

Written By: Heather Cole

                    9/5/2017

How Many?

How Many?

I'm so tired of hearing her whine and complain

Such a bore and pretty lame

Hiding her is so much fun for me

You will see

She is always wearing a frown

Always writing her sadness down

Hiding her is a chance to come out and play

To smile my day away

I keep things going smoothly

Making sure all of us are happy

I keep us calmed down

Making sure we stick around

What about me?

I'm stronger you can see

The others have nothing on me

Hear that? 

Here's our chance

Come sing with me

Sing some Me and Bobby McGee

Written By: Heather Cole

                     2/21/18

Walking Thoughts

Walking Thoughts

Music up all the way

Mind begins to slip away

Feet moving to the beat

Moving me on down the street

Seeing cars as they pass

Look there are pieces from a crash

Saw something dead about a mile back

Looks like someone tried to put it in a sack

Trash on the ground everywhere

More people should care

Music playing loud still for me

As I watch cars go by me

Heather Cole

2/19/18

The Day We Met

The Day We Met

Look in the mirror and what do I see

A new face staring back at me

It wasn't always like this

I'm happy to see it, it was missed

The face was found just in time I must say

When my life was in disarray

The moment it happened, I an tell you the exact day

February 21 on a cold wet day

I was nervous and began to pop my knuckles

Glad I was sitting I'm sure my legs would have buckled

He looked so calm and at ease that day

I didn't know what to say

At that moment it all began

To think I almost ran

Written By:  Heather Cole

                     April 25, 2017

Things To Think About Daily In 2018

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT DAILY IN 2018

I wrote this the beginning of the year and today was first time I looked at it again. I really need to listen to myself sometimes.

1. Words hurt
2. Hiding things even with good intentions hurts
3. Actions speak volumes
4. Cant please everyone
5. Keep goals updated
6. The past is gone
7. Pray and be thankful
8. Stay positive
9. Stay focused
10. Keep looking forward
11. My family
12. My art work
13. The voices in my head are not real
14. Think before listen to the voices
15. Think before I speak to the voices
16. Remind myself that I am OK
17. Write more often
18. Get my first book published
19. I am not who I used to be
20. I create my own destiny
21. Reread my writing
22. Update my blog every day
23. Take my medications
24. Talk to someone if I need to
25. Start an art therapy group

What you think? Some of these seem like I should remember them like most people would but I don't.

Written By: Heather Cole
                    1/2018

To See The Sea

To See The Sea

Follow me into the unknown.

I'm really tired of being here alone.

I don't have much to call my own.

So please walk with me as I roam.

Sometimes I feel someone is near.

As if they were standing next to me here.

I look over to an empty space next to me in dismay.

While I'm walking my own path along the way.

Feeling close and yet so far away from me.

Like passing ships on the foggy sea.

So close but still to far to see.

Why are you not beside me?

Almost time for me to roam.

Looking for some place to call home.

Will you be waiting there for me to see?

Or will I be left alone by the sea.

Written By: Heather Cole

                    Jan. 15, 2018

Things I Miss

THINGS I MISS

Hello everyone

So while I have been sick with this flu and have hurt my back sneezing and coughing. I have had time to think about things I have been missing. So as I always do I made a list.

1. Safety
2. Family
3. My mind
4. A car
5. A friend nearby
6. Feeling free
7. Love
8. Home
9. A job
10. Being wanted
11. Feeling needed
12. A touch
13. A voice
14. My children
15. My childhood
16. Smiling 
17. Laughing
18. A first kiss
19. Silence in my head
20. The ocean

Im sure I will ad more to this list someday but for now it is what it is. Now maybe I can get some rest tonight we will see.

Heather Cole